Posts Tagged ‘self-mastery’
Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
Most couples that I have worked with will initially say that they do not communicate. I see their frustration with each and feel their hope that if only their partner would make some changes he/she would be fine. It doesn’t quite work that way. The solution lies in each person taking responsibility for their own thinking and feelings and learning to clearly communicate that to the other.
How we communicate has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves we are much more apt to take what the other says as belonging to them and not personalizing it. Yet if we feel down and question our self worth we end up giving a lot of power to our partner. That’s when the couple power becomes skewed with one partner having too much power with the other one abdicating his/her power. This imbalance leads to communication struggles.
The key to healthy communication is two fold: 1. Learning to bring forth ones strengths and 2. Learning empowering communication and relationship skills.
Tags: communication, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationship skills, self-mastery
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication, relationship skills | No Comments »
Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
In my last blog I talked about the value of making a commitment to yourself. When we are truly committed to something we don’t feel the need to strive. I shared how I have made a commitment to exercise regularly but I did not accomplish a 30 day blog challenge. The difference was that I had impulsively agreed to the challenge without really making an internal commitment to accomplish the task. With commitment comes a sureness that makes the task something you just do.
This leads me to my next point. Goals are future focused. And that is fine. It only becomes a problem if the future becomes our reality. For instance lets assume that Molly’s goal is to lose 25 pounds. If she sees herself as being OK only after she loses the weight she is going to have a hard time sticking to the goal she has set for herself. The reason is that she is future focused. Far better is she can accept herself in the present. By liking herself just the way she is in the present she will look at her desire to lose weight differently. She will choose to work on losing weight because she wants to be healthy.
Life becomes richer if we truly live in the present and make the most of every day. If we do that the future will evolve in ways that we may not even imagine.
Tags: grow as a person, live in the present, motivation, self-mastery
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, growth mindset | No Comments »
Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
One of my mentors, Connie Ragen Green, has just presented a thirty day Power Blogging Challenge. That means making a blog entry daily until Jan. 7 when the challenge ends. Not an easy assignment when it falls right during the holidays.
Yet many of us accomplish the most when we have a challenge. I know that it motivates me. Consistency is something that I have struggled with. After an initial overwhelm feeling as I think about the next thirty days I shifted my attitude to seeing this as a welcome challenge.
In my work with individuals and couples I frequently give assignments. I talk about how it takes 21 days to change a habit. I have never found out how this was determined but I do know that doing something daily makes all the difference.
I am coaching a woman right now who wants to change her habit of keeping quiet when she knows she needs to speak up. She chose as her assignment the task to bring a concern up daily with her partner. She shared as to how she had learned to silence her voice as a child. This silencing happens primarily in close relationships because she uses her voice effectively professionally She realized that she was still repeating a habit form childhood that she no longer needed. Instead it was limiting her authenticity in this relationship.
Now 14 days into her assignment she told me today that speaking up is getting easier and she likes how she feels when she does it.
Over the next thirty days I would welcome questions from my readers. In addition to writing about self growth and strengthening relationships I will also share tips for dealing with holiday stress.
Tags: Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, motivation, relationships, self-mastery
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, relationship skills | No Comments »
Monday, November 2nd, 2009
A growth mindset is good for relationships. Actually, I think, that it is essential to developing healthy relationships. When two individuals begin a relationship they have the task of learning to also be a twosome. Not an easy task considering that each person comes with unique life experiences and each is filled with expectations for the relationship.
A growth mindset makes it possible to grow together. In contrast, anyone who is operating from a fixed mindset thinks that he/she knows what is right not just for self but also for the partner. In order to have a successful relationship there has to be flexibility and a willingness to learn how to make a relationship work.
People with a growth mindset are open to change and seeing things in new ways. They have learned to let go of competition and judging and have developed a mindset that allows for learning new skills and renewed appreciation for each other. No one has to be perfect. Instead, there is a commitment to growth and a recognition that growth of the individual and the relationship takes time, effort, and mutual support.
Learning and growing is seen as a life long process. If both people have a growth mindset they will together find solutions on how to grow as individuals and how to grow together. The result is that their relationship will be enhanced.
Tags: grow, growth mindset, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-mastery
Posted in growth mindset, relationships | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
Most couples who are struggling with their relationship will say that the problem is communication. It looks like communication is the issue but the difficulty generally is more than words. Indeed they are frustrated with their communication but beneath that struggle is the dilemma of not knowing how to create a sense of WE in their relationship.
Here is what I mean. These couples have not learned that a loving caring relationship is more than two individuals. There is a third part which is caring about the well-being of the relationship.. Most of these couples handle their day to day responsibilities rather well but feel emotionally alone. I call these relationships “the married singles”. They each fear that by truly hearing and thinking of their partner they will end up losing something of themselves.
In healthy relationships that does not happen. The three parts: I, you and we are present at all times and of equal importance. This is a self-growth and relationship skill that can be learned. The key is that each person will take full responsibility for him/herself and at the same time for the well being of the relationship. It means learning to be aware not just of self but also thinking about how will what I say or do affect our relationship. By simultaneously thinking “WE and US” communication and the relationship will be strengthened.
Tags: communication, relationships, self-mastery
Posted in communication, relationship skills, relationships, self-growth | 5 Comments »
Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
When someone comes to me with relationship issues the question invariably comes up: how can our relationship get better if he/she refuses to come? The answer I give is: you will have to do the couple’s work yourself and I will teach you how to do it. This immediately elicits varied responses depending on the life situation of the person I am talking to. I go on to explain that I have no control over the outcome of his/her relationship since that is for them to figure out. I can, however, help with self-growth and as that gets stronger the confidence to bring up and work for solutions with the absent partner will increase.
I work from the premise that all people deserve the right to full expression of who they are. Relationships encourage this full expression or hinder it. I teach people to think of relationships as having a life of their own. To think in terms of there being three separate parts: I, you, and we. All three are engaged in the independence/dependence dance. The balance in the relationship works the way it does because both people do their part. By increasing self-growth skills of one person the balance in the relationship changes. The result is that either the relationship becomes enhanced or it becomes clear that it will not grow.
This fall I will be teaching a teleclass on Self-growth and Relationships. I am still looking for a catchy name. Check back here for dates and times.
Tags: emotional fitness, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-mastery, selfgrowth
Posted in relationship skills, self-growth | 2 Comments »
Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
People who keep growing realize they have to change some habits. Many of our habits make life easier while we may have others that get in our way of getting what we want for ourselves. It is our habits that keep us repeating life in the same way. In order to make changes we have to be willing to move out of our comfort zone. If we do not do that we tend to limit our self-growth.
A skill to remember is to strengthen habits rather than eliminate habits. For instance, if you want to lose weight strengthen your health habit. By re-framing your goal to: “I want to be healthy” you take a positive approach. Now you can put your energy into strengthening you habits of eating, exercise, and relationships among others. If, instead, you focused on what you shouldn’t eat you would soon feel discouraged and deprived.
There is a common saying claiming that it takes 21 days to change a habit. It is a good guideline to keep in mind as you practice strengthening habits that you know will help you have success.
Tags: change, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-mastery
Posted in Making Changes, self-growth | No Comments »
Monday, June 1st, 2009
Recently I came across this quote by Louis Hay that I really love because it captures the essence of self empowerment. ” When you make it OK to be yourself then you automatically allow others to be themselves. Their little habits no longer bother you so much. You release the need to “change them” as you want them to be. As you stop judging others, they release the need to judge you. Everybody gets to be free.”
The goal of self empowerment work is to be happy and content with the kind of person you are. It means accepting yourself just the way you are. When you stop judging yourself you free yourself up to make some of the changes you would like to make. You are no longer saying to yourself “I will be OK after I do this or that”. Instead by accepting yourself as being OK you can put your energy into doing the things you would like to change. For instance if you want to be healthier you may start an exercise program and eat more nutritious food. You are doing this because you want to increase the quality of your health and well being. You are no longer judging your merit rather you are making changes because you choose to do them.
Letting go of judging self and others is freeing and allows you to be the kind of person you are meant to be.
Tags: emotional fitness, empower, grow, self-growth, self-mastery
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, self-growth | No Comments »
Monday, May 4th, 2009
One of the most influential teachers I ever had was Virginia Satir. She was a pioneer in family therapy. I believe, her greatest contribution was her stead fast belief that “our path to our higher selves is through the development of high self-worth and that all people can learn to behave in accordance with their higher natures.”
She was optimistic about human potential. She believed that if one grew up in a home where parents could not teach self worth one could learn new coping and communication skills later in life that would be empowering. Much of my work is exactly that - guiding people to bring forth their human potential. I do this by teaching self-growth and relationship skills for enhancing self mastery and strengthening relationships. Additionally, I provide coaching over the telephone and therapy in my office in Annapolis.
Tags: emotional fitness, grow, grow as a person, happiness, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-mastery, strengthening emotional fitness
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, relationship skills | 1 Comment »
Friday, May 1st, 2009
A big part of communication is how we talk to ourselves. Our inner dialogue goes on all the time. It is there were we are aware of our insecurities, anxieties, joys, strengths and weaknesses. What we share on the outside is greatly determined by how safe we feel within ourselves.
Many of the messages we say to ourselves are outdated. We form an internal picture of who we are and operate from that. A good example is Molly, a very successful professional woman, who at 58 was still feeling inadequate on the inside. Professionally she trusted herself but in her personal life she had difficulty keeping friends and forming relationships. Having been raised with a lot of put downs her inner dialogue still operated from the past.
In order to grow in emotional fitness we have to be willing to examine our internal speaking habits and be willing to update what we say to and about ourselves.
Tags: communication, emotional fitness, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-mastery
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication, self-growth | No Comments »
