Posts Tagged ‘relationships’
Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
One of my mentors, Connie Ragen Green, has just presented a thirty day Power Blogging Challenge. That means making a blog entry daily until Jan. 7 when the challenge ends. Not an easy assignment when it falls right during the holidays.
Yet many of us accomplish the most when we have a challenge. I know that it motivates me. Consistency is something that I have struggled with. After an initial overwhelm feeling as I think about the next thirty days I shifted my attitude to seeing this as a welcome challenge.
In my work with individuals and couples I frequently give assignments. I talk about how it takes 21 days to change a habit. I have never found out how this was determined but I do know that doing something daily makes all the difference.
I am coaching a woman right now who wants to change her habit of keeping quiet when she knows she needs to speak up. She chose as her assignment the task to bring a concern up daily with her partner. She shared as to how she had learned to silence her voice as a child. This silencing happens primarily in close relationships because she uses her voice effectively professionally She realized that she was still repeating a habit form childhood that she no longer needed. Instead it was limiting her authenticity in this relationship.
Now 14 days into her assignment she told me today that speaking up is getting easier and she likes how she feels when she does it.
Over the next thirty days I would welcome questions from my readers. In addition to writing about self growth and strengthening relationships I will also share tips for dealing with holiday stress.
Tags: Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, motivation, relationships, self-mastery
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, relationship skills | No Comments »
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
Recently I was asked if I thought that menopause freed women up or caused trouble. What a perceptive question since the answer is that both things happen. It is not an either/or.
The most tumultuous time for women are the few years (anywhere from 2 to 10) prior to menopause where most women experience a variety of physical symptoms accompanied by various emotional fluctuations. This is not only stressful for the woman who is in peri menopause but also for everyone else in her life. Along with this comes the realization that she is now in the second half of life and the remaining time feels more finite. As result of this menopausal transition most women emerge with a clearer sense of who they are and what they want for themselves.
This greater clarity however can put a lot of strain on relationships. Especially if the other partner is content with how life has been. However, any time one person wants to make changes it affects the balance of their relationship. This is where the trouble comes in for couples. How they negotiate these different needs is crucial. Women whose partners are inflexible and can not accept these changes feel that they have one of two choices: they either let go of what they want for themselves or they end up leaving their relationships. Statistics show that more women initiate divorce when they are in their fifties than at any other time of their life.
Couples that can incorporate the “menopause freed up” woman find that their relationships are enriched. Some do it on their own while others take advantage of professional help to learn how to grow together.
Tags: grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, menopause, relationship conflict, relationships
Posted in Grow With Kristina, boomers and beyond, relationships | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
Most couples who are struggling with their relationship will say that the problem is communication. It looks like communication is the issue but the difficulty generally is more than words. Indeed they are frustrated with their communication but beneath that struggle is the dilemma of not knowing how to create a sense of WE in their relationship.
Here is what I mean. These couples have not learned that a loving caring relationship is more than two individuals. There is a third part which is caring about the well-being of the relationship.. Most of these couples handle their day to day responsibilities rather well but feel emotionally alone. I call these relationships “the married singles”. They each fear that by truly hearing and thinking of their partner they will end up losing something of themselves.
In healthy relationships that does not happen. The three parts: I, you and we are present at all times and of equal importance. This is a self-growth and relationship skill that can be learned. The key is that each person will take full responsibility for him/herself and at the same time for the well being of the relationship. It means learning to be aware not just of self but also thinking about how will what I say or do affect our relationship. By simultaneously thinking “WE and US” communication and the relationship will be strengthened.
Tags: communication, relationships, self-mastery
Posted in communication, relationship skills, relationships, self-growth | 5 Comments »
Monday, August 24th, 2009
An artist friend of mine is working on a series about walls going up when relationships end. I will be eager to see how she depicts that in her paintings. As we talked I said to her that so much of my work is helping people take down emotional walls that have been in their way of being able to form close intimate relationships.
My expertise is helping people grow. As a result of our life experiences we all put up walls that ostensibly protect us from getting hurt. These walls at one time no doubt were useful. We keep these walls up even in situations where we no longer need them. As adults we have the opportunity to reevaluate which walls we still need and which walls we can safely let down. If we do not do that we may well be limiting our ability to form close meaningful relationships.
Molly had struggled with relationships. Two marriages had ended and now she was in a relationship with a man with whom she had lived for the past five years. There was so much that she liked about the relationship but she described the relationship as that of two great roommates. After experiencing a health crisis a while back she found herself longing for more emotional closeness with him.
Molly feared that by showing her emotional need for more closeness she was showing vulnerability and would lose her independence. First of all she had to understand that her partner had a similar fear since he also was not asking for more closeness. Secondly, she learned that no one could take her independence away from her because no one else had control over her. As she trusted herself more she began asking for what she needed and was able to accept his positive responses and not take it personally when he didn’t respond the way she had hoped for.
When we work on our own self-growth the walls we no longer need come tumbling down. They need to be replaced by strong walls that allow us to be truly in charge of ourselves and enjoy close relationships.
Tags: grow, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationships
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, relationships, self-growth | 1 Comment »
Thursday, May 28th, 2009
Communication occurs in between people. When communication is open it is easy. There is an understood freedom to comment on anything and communication is growth-producing. When communication is closed there are overt or silent messages that one has to be careful about what one says. The result is that self-worth is defined more and more by other people and self-esteem is low.
How does one go about changing communication so it is open and growth -enhancing? We all share the common human need that we desire to feel good about ourselves. If we grew up in homes where parents did not know how to teach good communication skills we can, now that we are adults, unlearn the messages and behaviors that diminish us.
An example comes to mind. Molly was angry at her husband because he always got his way. As I helped Molly look at her part in their marital balance it became apparent that, whenever there was a disagreement, she gave in. As she became aware of her part in the relationship balance she started to initiate change. She realized that conflict made her uneasy and her tendency was to quickly acquiesce. As she strengthened her “speak up for myself” muscle she saw that her husband was not as unreasonable as she thought he was.
If we want to change communication patterns the only person we have control over is ourselves. By one person working on communicating by being clear, direct, and growth producing everyone’s self-esteem is enhanced.
Tags: communication, conflict, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationships, self-esteem
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
After writing 30 daily blogs I took a short break. Now I am back wanting to talk about the power of relationships on communication.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you could not be yourself? What I mean is being around someone else where you felt squelched. I can certainly recall times when this has happened to me.
The other day I talked with the daughter of a friend who had gone through a divorce several years ago and now was in a new marriage. When I commented as to how happy she looked she replied ” it is so easy now this relationship is so normal”. We all long for relationships where we feel accepted and can be ourselves. The reality is that relationships organize us. In relationships that are open there is freedom for each person to be themselves, where self esteem is nurtured and communication is direct, clear, and growth-producing. Contrast that with a closed relationship system where communication is indirect, unclear, and growth-impeding. In such relationships differences are handled by blaming, distracting, ignoring, or placating.
Yet after time even in good relationships people can establish habitual patterns that may no longer meet the needs of one individual. Much of what I teach is directed at people who want to make changes within their relationship system. By understanding the power of relationship dynamics change can be introduced that not only strengthens the emotional fitness of each individual but also enhances the relationship.
Tags: communication, emotional fitness, grow, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationships
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, relationship skills, relationships | 2 Comments »
Thursday, April 30th, 2009
How well you come across is a skill worth developing. It is as important as what you are saying. Couples who are experiencing marital conflict 9 x out of 10 will say : we don’t communicate. Of course they communicate, it is how they communicate that causes the problem. What they really mean is that neither person feels heard and understood.
By paying attention to how well you come across you raise your self-awareness. Your tone of voice, your attitude, your pitch, your authenticity, your posture all are significant. If you want to be understood and taken seriously how you do it will make a big difference.
The act of caring how you come across means you are aware of how what you say is received by the other person. This awareness of the duality in communication is what leads to meaningful communication.
Tags: communication, conflict, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationships
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication, relationships | No Comments »
Saturday, April 25th, 2009
A dear friend of mine sent me a copy of an article by Tara Parker-Pope with the title : WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR? A LONGER LIFE. The gist of the article is that one of the most powerful weapons for slowing aging and prolonging life is to have good friends. In addition to sending the article to me, she emailed it to two other mutual friends.
The four of us met in the graduate student dorm at the University of Minnesota. Our friendship has lasted over 40 years. In the last 15 years we started having yearly five day reunions. We have been there for each other through the joys and tribulations that life brings.
It is interesting to read that researchers are now validating what the four of us long ago figured out. We knew that our friendship made our lives richer and that our bond augmented our lives. What we did not know was that it would also help us live longer.
Developing and keeping good friendships needs to be added to the recommendations on how to age vibrantly.
Tags: grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationships, second half of life, stress
Posted in Grow With Kristina, relationship skills, retirement | No Comments »
Friday, April 17th, 2009
Recently I read a wonderful realistic book “Eye Of My Heart” about the hidden pleasures and perils of being a grandmother. Barbara Graham, a writer herself, asked 27 writers, who are all grandmothers, to share their stories. The result is an eye opening compilation of the different experiences of what it is like to be grandmothers in the 21st century. I am also a grandmother of six grandchildren and I found something to relate to in almost every story.
When we become grandmothers we find ourselves in a whole new role. Yet this new role comes without a blueprint. In “Eye Of MY Heart” every grandmother confronts the situation of having to deal with what she wants with the reality that these children have parents with their own ideas. One of the great delights of this book is that these well known writers open themselves up and let us see their struggles. All of us, who are grandparents now, are defining this new role. It is going to be different from the stories of our grandmothers. This is a perfect gift both for mothers and grandmothers on Mother’s Day.
Tags: grandmothers, grandparents, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Mother's Day, relationships
Posted in Grow With Kristina, relationships | No Comments »
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
For the next thirty days I will be daily sharing specific relationship skills. What do I mean by successful relationships? I see it as people relating to each other in a way that each feels accepted, valued, and respected by the other. I will be sharing tips that will enhance self mastery and the interaction between people. From the time we are born we are in relationships. Some of the relationships we have been in have helped us grow while others may have stifled us.
My hope is that by learning effective self growth and relationship skills you can discard coping mechanisms that limit you and substitute skills that will enhance you and your relationships.
Tags: coping skills, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationship skills, relationships, self-growth, self-mastery
Posted in Grow With Kristina | 1 Comment »
