Posts Tagged ‘Kristina von Rosenvinge’
Monday, February 22nd, 2010
I lost trust in the reliability of my car. This may seem an unusual way to talk about losing trust. Last week I could not shift out of park nor could I take the key out. I had the car repaired and after a few trips the problem recurred but was worse. After more adjustments the mechanic assured me from now on I would have no more problems. His reassurance did not really help me. I was anxious every time I used the car that the problem would emerge again. Now after a week of no recurring problems I have relaxed. I now trust that the problem has been fixed.
It is so much harder when there is loss of trust in a relationship. It may take a much longer time to regain trust if trust has been shattered. The betrayer frequently feels that when he/she has apologized and made amends that the partner should be able to trust him/her again. This will depend on the nature and severity of the action that led to the loss of trust.
The partner who has lost trust needs to see behavior change over time to begin to rebuild trust. Words alone are not enough. There have to be actions that show that there is real sincerity to the apology and a commitment not to have it happen again.
Once trust in someone is lost it just takes time for it to be rebuilt. The time can not be rushed it will just happens if there is no additional behavior that raises concerns.
Tags: Kristina von Rosenvinge, loss of trust, rebuilding trust
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication | 1 Comment »
Monday, February 15th, 2010
“You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them” is a quote by Michael Jordan. It is evident that he expected a lot from himself and worked hard to achieve excellence in basketball and life. I think that expectations are powerful. I see expectations as being different from goals.
When we have goals we can set steps for how to achieve them. We may attain them or not. Expectations have to do with our sense of self and reflect how we value ourselves. However directions that are truly driven by our expectations of ourselves, propel us forward toward what we envision for ourselves. I think this is the kind of expectation Michael Jordan must have had of himself.
When we are in relationships we have to balance the expectations we have of ourselves, with the expectations of our partner, and what our expectations are of the relationship. This three fold task involves a sharing of hopes and dreams with each other and a formulation of joint expectations.
Then if a couple also adds children there is the balancing of the child’s expectations of him/herself and the realistic assessment of potential that guide the parent’s expectations.
After raising three children I think that besides loving them the most important contribution we made was to expect them to use whatever talents and gifts they had while teaching them effective skills for managing life responsibly.
Tags: expectations, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-growth
Posted in Grow With Kristina, relationship skills | No Comments »
Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
Most couples that I have worked with will initially say that they do not communicate. I see their frustration with each and feel their hope that if only their partner would make some changes he/she would be fine. It doesn’t quite work that way. The solution lies in each person taking responsibility for their own thinking and feelings and learning to clearly communicate that to the other.
How we communicate has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves we are much more apt to take what the other says as belonging to them and not personalizing it. Yet if we feel down and question our self worth we end up giving a lot of power to our partner. That’s when the couple power becomes skewed with one partner having too much power with the other one abdicating his/her power. This imbalance leads to communication struggles.
The key to healthy communication is two fold: 1. Learning to bring forth ones strengths and 2. Learning empowering communication and relationship skills.
Tags: communication, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationship skills, self-mastery
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication, relationship skills | No Comments »
Tuesday, January 26th, 2010
If you think you have a problem what you really want is to find a solution. I have found over the years of working with people that in many situation a problem solving approach does not work so well. Looking for solutions achieves good results.
Here is a good example. The other day I coached Judy who had taken the huge step of leaving her secure job to go into business for herself. Now that the initial excitement had worn off and the hard work of marketing and creating a product was in front of her Judy was feeling discouraged. I explained to her that people who are embarking on making changes find that their feelings oscillate until things evolve to a new equilibrium. Instead we focused on finding solutions so she could get unstuck.
I reminded her that she knew best what the next steps needed to be. As she explored her options she came up with a clear plan on what to do next. My task was to ask questions that would lead her towards finding solutions.
Change occurs when we do something differently or look at things differently. Judy shifted her thinking to looking for solutions and as she did that she felt empowered and came up with clear steps as to what she wanted to do next.
Tags: focus on solutions, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, solution focus
Posted in focus on solutions | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, January 19th, 2010
The last seven days have been filled with news of the devastating earthquake in Haiti. I feel for all the people who are desperate to find food, medical care, a place to sleep, and are looking for their loved ones or grieving their loss. They are right now helpless to solve many of these concerns themselves and have to rely on the generosity of others to provide for them. Their needs are overwhelming. I would like to do more than give money and end feel helpless that there is so little I can do.
I have worked with people who have felt helpless in their relationships. These have not been relationships where there is a genuine reason to be afraid. Instead it has been a helplessness of their own making although they have not seen it as such. Instead the person who has felt helpless was deferring to the spouse when it came to making decisions. Gradually that lead to an abdication of ones own power resulting in feeling powerless.
The way to change from feeling helpless is to take action. The first action is to ask “what do I want”. That is the way to get back in touch with ones own essence. I like the following quote by Galileo: “You can not teach a man anything, you have to help him find it within himself”.
Ultimately the people in Haiti will have to go inside themselves and find the strength to rebuild their lives. When they do that they will no longer be helpless.
Tags: feeling helpless, Haiti, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, stress
Posted in Making Changes, relationships | No Comments »
Friday, January 15th, 2010
I have been asked as to why on this site I stress both self-growth and relationship skills. Why not just focus on one or the other. In my mind they are linked.
I think that it is through self-growth that positive changes occur in marriages/relationships. The stronger one’s self-worth (the result of self-growth) the easier it becomes to see the partner as a separate unique person. This clearer sense of self makes it possible to look at conflicts objectively and jointly look for solutions. By valuing who we are we can love others.
Molly and Doug are a couple who have struggled in their marriage. They both feel emotionally vulnerable and easily become defensive and upset with the other. They tend to blame each other for their unhappiness. They have had to look for and appreciate their own strengths and uniqueness instead of waiting for the partner to make him/her OK. As they have taken responsibility to let each other know what they think and feel they have been able to proceed with finding solutions to many of their concerns. Over the next couple weeks I will be developing many of these ideas further.
Look for my new website http://www.Rekindle Your Relationship.com in another two weeks. There you will find a free 33 Tips booklet on Rekindling Your Love.
Tags: empower, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-growth
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, relationship skills | No Comments »
Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
There is no magic answer to rekindling a relationship. There is no one thing that will quickly turn things around. Yet many couples are able to achieve a new closeness in their relationship. You may well ask ” how do they do it?”
After helping many couples rekindle their relationship I have found that there are three things that make a difference.
1. There is a willingness to put time and effort into making changes because each feels that preserving the relationship/marriage still matters.
2. Each is willing to confront how he/she contributes to the relationship struggles
3. They are open to learning new relationship and communication skills.
Relationships that work well allow each person the freedom to be him/herself. Together they decide how these individual needs can be incorporated into their relationship so it will strengthen togetherness.
We live in a quick fix culture. Rekindling a relationship is not a quick fix. Instead it is a journey of new discovery about each other. There has to be a recognition that people and their interests evolve over years and that these changes need to be dealt with. What I see is that most couple’s lives are busy and have become routine. They do not take the time out to let each other know about their inner hopes, frustrations, unhappiness and desires. When they talk about these inner matters with each other they are well on the road to rekindling their relationship.
Tags: grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, marriage
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, growth mindset, relationship skills, relationships | No Comments »
Monday, January 4th, 2010
When I went to the gym on Saturday, January 2, it was great to see the place so full. I am sure that many of these new people had made a New Year’s resolution to get serious about exercising. Setting goals is important but the challenge is maintaining the resolution.
Several weeks ago I wrote about joining a 30 day challenge to blog daily. I joined it impulsively without really thinking it through if I could do it. Alas, I did not keep it up very long. The timing was not right for me. I did feel badly when I terminated this challenge. In contrast, I enjoyed doing a similar 30 day challenge last May and had not trouble completing it.
Yet I have managed to maintain a regular exercise schedule for a number of years now. I think the difference is that I have made a commitment to myself that I have to do it. My reason is that I want to be healthy and fit as I get older. I have changed my goal to be healthy and fit into a life habit. Now when I miss some days I am eager to get back to my routine. I do remember back that it took a while of trial and error til exercising became a regular part of my life.
This latest blogging challenge was not something I made a total commitment to. I think that unless we truly own our goals it is hard to maintain the discipline to change the goal into a habit. In terms of blogging my goal this year is to blog twice a week. Knowing my pattern, at first I will have to expect myself just to do it. I am eager to see how long it will take me to shift the expectation to blog twice a week into a regular writing habit.
Tags: adapt to change, Kristina von Rosenvinge, resolutions, selfgrowth
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, growth mindset | No Comments »
Sunday, December 20th, 2009
We are snowed-in. Twenty inches makes for a beautiful winter wonderland.
The snowfall made me aware of how important it is to be flexible. My weekend was planned with shopping, the grandkids coming to decorate the tree and spend the night, buying and mailing last minute presents and baking cookies. Everything, except for baking cookies, had to be put on hold.
Instead, I decided to go with the flow and enjoy the snow and the warmth of our house. We watched a movie, shoveled snow-an endless task- and relaxed. It made for a very pleasant day. I had to remind myself that whatever had to be done would get done just not as efficiently as I had it organized in my mind. In order not to be anxious about the undone tasks I literally have to tell myself to let it go.
I see flexibility as a conscious activity. We have a choice to make: keep fretting or decide to accept what we cannot change and make the best of it.
Tags: adapt to change, Kristina von Rosenvinge, positive thinking
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, boomers and beyond, communication, growth mindset, relationships, retirement, vibrant after fifty | No Comments »
Saturday, December 19th, 2009
Control in relationships gets complicated. There are several ways that control affects relationships. In healthy relationships it is important for each person to be in control of self. That means that each takes responsibility for his/her own feelings and thinking. This kind of control increases self-worth and enhances the well being of the relationship.
Another way that control is referred to in relationships is when someone says “he/she is controlling me.” That happens when one person insists in having things his/her way. It makes it impossible for the other person to be accepted for who he/she is. The “controlling person’s” reality takes precedence. This kind of control is destructive to relationships.
There are also substances that take control of people. Alcohol, prescription drugs, etc. can all develop control over a person’s ability to function freely which greatly impacts relationships.
The more effort people put into growing in being in control of themselves the less they are willing to put up with relationships that limit self-growth. Instead, they look for and create relationships that are based on respect, friendship, and love.
Tags: grow, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationship support
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, relationships | No Comments »
