Posts Tagged ‘communication’
Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
Most couples that I have worked with will initially say that they do not communicate. I see their frustration with each and feel their hope that if only their partner would make some changes he/she would be fine. It doesn’t quite work that way. The solution lies in each person taking responsibility for their own thinking and feelings and learning to clearly communicate that to the other.
How we communicate has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves we are much more apt to take what the other says as belonging to them and not personalizing it. Yet if we feel down and question our self worth we end up giving a lot of power to our partner. That’s when the couple power becomes skewed with one partner having too much power with the other one abdicating his/her power. This imbalance leads to communication struggles.
The key to healthy communication is two fold: 1. Learning to bring forth ones strengths and 2. Learning empowering communication and relationship skills.
Tags: communication, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationship skills, self-mastery
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication, relationship skills | No Comments »
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
A friend of mine who is an action taker has as her byline: “Saying nothing sometimes says the most.” She gets involved in causes she believes in because to say nothing to her means she does not care. As I look back on my life I can see that there have been many times when I said nothing even though I felt deeply about the issue at hand. At the same time I know that I feel better about myself when I use my voice to express what I think both in my family and in my other interactions.
I started wondering why it is that so often we do not use our voice. I have coached many people who initially limited themselves by their silence. They knew what they want and needed but were loath to express it. They worried what others would think. The fear of possibly getting ridiculed, put down, laughed at got in the way of actually expressing what really mattered to them. This mindset means that saying nothing becomes a powerful way of communicating. To others it appears that there are no concerns.
Using our voices gives us power. However, this power has to be balances with also listening to the voices of others. When we do that we are more apt to find solutions to what matters to us. Saying nothing, when we know better, is a way of shutting down a part of ourselves. Then “saying nothing sometimes says the most” becomes communication that will leave us feeling powerless.
Tags: communication, empower, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication, self-growth | 3 Comments »
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
Most couples who are struggling with their relationship will say that the problem is communication. It looks like communication is the issue but the difficulty generally is more than words. Indeed they are frustrated with their communication but beneath that struggle is the dilemma of not knowing how to create a sense of WE in their relationship.
Here is what I mean. These couples have not learned that a loving caring relationship is more than two individuals. There is a third part which is caring about the well-being of the relationship.. Most of these couples handle their day to day responsibilities rather well but feel emotionally alone. I call these relationships “the married singles”. They each fear that by truly hearing and thinking of their partner they will end up losing something of themselves.
In healthy relationships that does not happen. The three parts: I, you and we are present at all times and of equal importance. This is a self-growth and relationship skill that can be learned. The key is that each person will take full responsibility for him/herself and at the same time for the well being of the relationship. It means learning to be aware not just of self but also thinking about how will what I say or do affect our relationship. By simultaneously thinking “WE and US” communication and the relationship will be strengthened.
Tags: communication, relationships, self-mastery
Posted in communication, relationship skills, relationships, self-growth | 5 Comments »
Wednesday, June 17th, 2009
In order to be fully engaged in life we have to have energy. Yet a very common refrain that I hear from people is that they do not have enough energy to do what they want to do. So they spend considerable time in passive activities like watching TV or sports. That being the case, the task ahead is to discover and develop sources of energy for renewal. What can we do to create more energy?
We need two kinds of energy: physical and emotional. How can we attain more physical energy? We have to remember that energy is our fundamental source of fuel for being able to be alert, concentrate and stay on tasks. We get this fuel from the foods we eat and how we care for the health of our body. At any age, but especially as we get older, it is important to review our eating and exercise habits.
There is an other source of fuel for living . That is emotional energy. It starts with developing a positive attitude about life. It is incredible how draining a negative attitude can be. Negativity is a well known energy zapper. Unless one is in a serious depression it will take practice to change ones negative mindset. It is well worth the effort because by creating a positive mindset we increase the quality of our lives.
Tags: communication, grow, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication, relationships, self-growth | 1 Comment »
Thursday, May 28th, 2009
Communication occurs in between people. When communication is open it is easy. There is an understood freedom to comment on anything and communication is growth-producing. When communication is closed there are overt or silent messages that one has to be careful about what one says. The result is that self-worth is defined more and more by other people and self-esteem is low.
How does one go about changing communication so it is open and growth -enhancing? We all share the common human need that we desire to feel good about ourselves. If we grew up in homes where parents did not know how to teach good communication skills we can, now that we are adults, unlearn the messages and behaviors that diminish us.
An example comes to mind. Molly was angry at her husband because he always got his way. As I helped Molly look at her part in their marital balance it became apparent that, whenever there was a disagreement, she gave in. As she became aware of her part in the relationship balance she started to initiate change. She realized that conflict made her uneasy and her tendency was to quickly acquiesce. As she strengthened her “speak up for myself” muscle she saw that her husband was not as unreasonable as she thought he was.
If we want to change communication patterns the only person we have control over is ourselves. By one person working on communicating by being clear, direct, and growth producing everyone’s self-esteem is enhanced.
Tags: communication, conflict, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationships, self-esteem
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
After writing 30 daily blogs I took a short break. Now I am back wanting to talk about the power of relationships on communication.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you could not be yourself? What I mean is being around someone else where you felt squelched. I can certainly recall times when this has happened to me.
The other day I talked with the daughter of a friend who had gone through a divorce several years ago and now was in a new marriage. When I commented as to how happy she looked she replied ” it is so easy now this relationship is so normal”. We all long for relationships where we feel accepted and can be ourselves. The reality is that relationships organize us. In relationships that are open there is freedom for each person to be themselves, where self esteem is nurtured and communication is direct, clear, and growth-producing. Contrast that with a closed relationship system where communication is indirect, unclear, and growth-impeding. In such relationships differences are handled by blaming, distracting, ignoring, or placating.
Yet after time even in good relationships people can establish habitual patterns that may no longer meet the needs of one individual. Much of what I teach is directed at people who want to make changes within their relationship system. By understanding the power of relationship dynamics change can be introduced that not only strengthens the emotional fitness of each individual but also enhances the relationship.
Tags: communication, emotional fitness, grow, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationships
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, relationship skills, relationships | 2 Comments »
Monday, May 11th, 2009
Today I was interviewed by Connie Ragen Green who is teaching me all about how to create a successful internet business. The focus was on my business which is teaching people how to upgrade their lives and enhance their relationships. I do this by teaching healthy self growth and relationship skills which increase happiness, the ability to deal with whatever life brings, and relationship satisfaction.
What I enjoyed was how freely Connie tied in examples from her life to illustrate the points I was making. Anyone who listens to this interview will get a good idea as to what it means to increase your emotional fitness. We talked about options one has when one is in a personal or work situation which squelches people. We got into a lengthy sequence on what to do when ones feelings are hurt. I shared specific tools that will help people get back in control and figure out what action to take.
You can listen to this interview here.
I would love to hear your comments and suggestions about our interview.
Tags: communication, emotional fitness, grow, relationship, relationships. grow your potential, self-growth
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, relationship skills, relationships, retirement, self-growth | 3 Comments »
Monday, May 4th, 2009
Strong listening skills provide the benefit of really hearing what is being said. So much unhappiness occurs in relationships because people do not hear each other. Instead, when there is disagreement, all the energy goes into defending oneself without truly hearing what is being said.
My suggestion for any one struggling with not feeling understood in a relationship is to work on their own listening skills. In a conflictual situation the automatic reaction is to start preparing a response mentally before fully hearing what was being said. If instead you focus on listening you may decide to ask for clarification of how the other came to the conclusion just verbalized. You want to make sure that you truly get what is being said.
By strengthening your listening muscle you are also strengthening your ability to hear whatever he/she is saying as coming from that person’s perspective. It is not about you. By not personalizing you will be able to focus on truly hearing the other. If you do not personalize you can decide how you want to respond with the result that you feel empowered.
Tags: communication, create energy, grow, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, relationship skills, self-growth | No Comments »
Friday, May 1st, 2009
A big part of communication is how we talk to ourselves. Our inner dialogue goes on all the time. It is there were we are aware of our insecurities, anxieties, joys, strengths and weaknesses. What we share on the outside is greatly determined by how safe we feel within ourselves.
Many of the messages we say to ourselves are outdated. We form an internal picture of who we are and operate from that. A good example is Molly, a very successful professional woman, who at 58 was still feeling inadequate on the inside. Professionally she trusted herself but in her personal life she had difficulty keeping friends and forming relationships. Having been raised with a lot of put downs her inner dialogue still operated from the past.
In order to grow in emotional fitness we have to be willing to examine our internal speaking habits and be willing to update what we say to and about ourselves.
Tags: communication, emotional fitness, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-mastery
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication, self-growth | No Comments »
Thursday, April 30th, 2009
How well you come across is a skill worth developing. It is as important as what you are saying. Couples who are experiencing marital conflict 9 x out of 10 will say : we don’t communicate. Of course they communicate, it is how they communicate that causes the problem. What they really mean is that neither person feels heard and understood.
By paying attention to how well you come across you raise your self-awareness. Your tone of voice, your attitude, your pitch, your authenticity, your posture all are significant. If you want to be understood and taken seriously how you do it will make a big difference.
The act of caring how you come across means you are aware of how what you say is received by the other person. This awareness of the duality in communication is what leads to meaningful communication.
Tags: communication, conflict, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationships
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