January 12th, 2010
There is no magic answer to rekindling a relationship. There is no one thing that will quickly turn things around. Yet many couples are able to achieve a new closeness in their relationship. You may well ask ” how do they do it?”
After helping many couples rekindle their relationship I have found that there are three things that make a difference.
1. There is a willingness to put time and effort into making changes because each feels that preserving the relationship/marriage still matters.
2. Each is willing to confront how he/she contributes to the relationship struggles
3. They are open to learning new relationship and communication skills.
Relationships that work well allow each person the freedom to be him/herself. Together they decide how these individual needs can be incorporated into their relationship so it will strengthen togetherness.
We live in a quick fix culture. Rekindling a relationship is not a quick fix. Instead it is a journey of new discovery about each other. There has to be a recognition that people and their interests evolve over years and that these changes need to be dealt with. What I see is that most couple’s lives are busy and have become routine. They do not take the time out to let each other know about their inner hopes, frustrations, unhappiness and desires. When they talk about these inner matters with each other they are well on the road to rekindling their relationship.
Tags: grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, marriage
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, growth mindset, relationship skills, relationships | No Comments »
January 6th, 2010
In my last blog I talked about the value of making a commitment to yourself. When we are truly committed to something we don’t feel the need to strive. I shared how I have made a commitment to exercise regularly but I did not accomplish a 30 day blog challenge. The difference was that I had impulsively agreed to the challenge without really making an internal commitment to accomplish the task. With commitment comes a sureness that makes the task something you just do.
This leads me to my next point. Goals are future focused. And that is fine. It only becomes a problem if the future becomes our reality. For instance lets assume that Molly’s goal is to lose 25 pounds. If she sees herself as being OK only after she loses the weight she is going to have a hard time sticking to the goal she has set for herself. The reason is that she is future focused. Far better is she can accept herself in the present. By liking herself just the way she is in the present she will look at her desire to lose weight differently. She will choose to work on losing weight because she wants to be healthy.
Life becomes richer if we truly live in the present and make the most of every day. If we do that the future will evolve in ways that we may not even imagine.
Tags: grow as a person, live in the present, motivation, self-mastery
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January 4th, 2010
When I went to the gym on Saturday, January 2, it was great to see the place so full. I am sure that many of these new people had made a New Year’s resolution to get serious about exercising. Setting goals is important but the challenge is maintaining the resolution.
Several weeks ago I wrote about joining a 30 day challenge to blog daily. I joined it impulsively without really thinking it through if I could do it. Alas, I did not keep it up very long. The timing was not right for me. I did feel badly when I terminated this challenge. In contrast, I enjoyed doing a similar 30 day challenge last May and had not trouble completing it.
Yet I have managed to maintain a regular exercise schedule for a number of years now. I think the difference is that I have made a commitment to myself that I have to do it. My reason is that I want to be healthy and fit as I get older. I have changed my goal to be healthy and fit into a life habit. Now when I miss some days I am eager to get back to my routine. I do remember back that it took a while of trial and error til exercising became a regular part of my life.
This latest blogging challenge was not something I made a total commitment to. I think that unless we truly own our goals it is hard to maintain the discipline to change the goal into a habit. In terms of blogging my goal this year is to blog twice a week. Knowing my pattern, at first I will have to expect myself just to do it. I am eager to see how long it will take me to shift the expectation to blog twice a week into a regular writing habit.
Tags: adapt to change, Kristina von Rosenvinge, resolutions, selfgrowth
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December 21st, 2009
Here in the Eastern United States we have just had a big snow storm. My neighbors were all out yesterday making sure that everyone’s car got dug out from under 20 inches of snow. Whenever there is a weather or other crisis people every where over tend to be thoughtful and generous in showing caring toward others.
Seeing the generosity of spirit brought forth by the snow storm got me thinking about the value of doing acts of random kindness. It is the little things that build closeness and intimacy in relationships. During this season of giving we tend to focus on giving presents to show our love. Yet it will be the giving of our time and caring through out the year that will create closeness in our relationships.
Remember daily to think about what would give your family members pleasure. What do you appreciate about your partner? Be generous with showing gratitude for the meals prepared, the house maintained, the laundry done etc. Gratitude nurtures relationships. Notice what needs to be done and do it. It is the daily acts of kindness - random or routine-that create closeness and love.
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December 20th, 2009
We are snowed-in. Twenty inches makes for a beautiful winter wonderland.
The snowfall made me aware of how important it is to be flexible. My weekend was planned with shopping, the grandkids coming to decorate the tree and spend the night, buying and mailing last minute presents and baking cookies. Everything, except for baking cookies, had to be put on hold.
Instead, I decided to go with the flow and enjoy the snow and the warmth of our house. We watched a movie, shoveled snow-an endless task- and relaxed. It made for a very pleasant day. I had to remind myself that whatever had to be done would get done just not as efficiently as I had it organized in my mind. In order not to be anxious about the undone tasks I literally have to tell myself to let it go.
I see flexibility as a conscious activity. We have a choice to make: keep fretting or decide to accept what we cannot change and make the best of it.
Tags: adapt to change, Kristina von Rosenvinge, positive thinking
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, boomers and beyond, communication, growth mindset, relationships, retirement, vibrant after fifty | No Comments »
December 19th, 2009
Control in relationships gets complicated. There are several ways that control affects relationships. In healthy relationships it is important for each person to be in control of self. That means that each takes responsibility for his/her own feelings and thinking. This kind of control increases self-worth and enhances the well being of the relationship.
Another way that control is referred to in relationships is when someone says “he/she is controlling me.” That happens when one person insists in having things his/her way. It makes it impossible for the other person to be accepted for who he/she is. The “controlling person’s” reality takes precedence. This kind of control is destructive to relationships.
There are also substances that take control of people. Alcohol, prescription drugs, etc. can all develop control over a person’s ability to function freely which greatly impacts relationships.
The more effort people put into growing in being in control of themselves the less they are willing to put up with relationships that limit self-growth. Instead, they look for and create relationships that are based on respect, friendship, and love.
Tags: grow, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationship support
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, relationships | No Comments »
December 15th, 2009
When couples want to strengthen their marriage they describe their current difficulty as “we just don’t communicate”. Indeed on the surface that appears to be the number one problem; however, there is usually something else going on that makes it hard for them to communicate.
That something else has to do with where each has his/her emotional connection. If it is not with the spouse it has to be somewhere else. It can be with work, children, alcohol, drugs, affairs etc. Right now we are privy to the struggles Tiger Woods is having with his marriage. We see that his emotional connection has not been with his wife.
Recently I have coached a couple who very much desire to “save their marriage”. His emotional connection is with work and hobbies, hers is with girlfriends and parents. In order for their marriage to work they will have to make the shift to making their relationship the most important relationship.
Because they share the vision of wanting to stay together they are working hard at making their marriage their most important relationship. By making the shift to putting their emotional energy into self growth and their relationship they find that their communication problems are lessening.
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December 14th, 2009
It has been my experience that relationships periodically need an infusion of renewed attention. People need newness and pleasure because without it life can become rather routine. Frequently couples who have been together for many years find that their lives have settled into routine comfortableness but they have lost passion and excitement in the process. Usually one person initiates change and that action then affects the balance of the relationship.
I am a firm believer that when the internal voice says: “I want something more” it is important to listen. It could that it is time to develop new interests as an individual and/or it could be desiring more fun and closeness in the relationship.
These are healthy desires because we all grow when we stretch our minds and bodies. In reality is is necessary for optimum life satisfaction. Without challenging ourselves life becomes routine. I see the end of the year as being the optimum time to start thinking about what is good about your life and what do you want to change. This thinking has to be done on two levels if you are in a relationship. Ask what do I need to do personally so I can be happy and what do we need to do as a couple that will bring us closer and recharge our relationship.
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December 12th, 2009
After yoga class a friend and I started speaking about the effects of change on relationships. I mentioned that whenever one person takes a new step at first the spouse usually is supportive. It is when the change starts affecting him/her that re-balancing becomes necessary.
My friend said she new exactly what I was talking about. After retiring from her full time job she decided to take a part time job that excited her. Her husband, who was retired, was very encouraging and supportive. After she started the job and was not around as much he started grumbling. He was missing her company. He had to figure out what to do with his time since she did not want to leave her new job. What was the solution? To her delight he got into gourmet cooking and it has developed into a real passion. The result being that both of their lives have become enriched.
This couple faced a brief rough spot that they handled successfully. In other situations I have seen the person who started the change give up his/her dream because the spouse could not adjust to change. The result invariably leads to an imbalance in the relationship because there is a winner and a loser. Incorporating positive change will leave both people energized by the new endeavors.
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December 11th, 2009
There is no denying holidays bring additional stress. On top of already busy lives the holidays put demands on people in terms of time, money, and the expectation that this be a happy time.
If you think about it, most of the stress, in a lot of homes, falls on women. They take on the responsibility of gift buying, cleaning, shopping, thinking of gifts, establishing rituals, and making sure that everybody is happy. So here are some coping skills for all the women who see themselves as the chief organizers of the holidays.
1. Think of the holidays in terms of WE. How will we prepare for our holidays. Let others help. Assign tasks to other family members. In our family one of our sons took charge of baking cookies. It started when I said one year that I didn’t see how I had time for baking and I would buy them. The kids all objected. His approach was to have a cookie marathon and do the baking all in one day. The ritual of home baked cookies could not be broken at our house.
2. Sort out your priorities. Are you doing some things that really are not necessary. Have realistic expectations. One of the things that happens when stressed is that everything seems important. Step back and think it through. There are no doubt things you have on your list that can be eliminated or simplified.
3. Don’t forget to take daily care of yourself: 2o minutes to unwind, doing something that relaxes you like yoga, walking, a bubble bath etc. all will help you get centered and unwind from the stress. Make sure you add this to your priority list. Remind yourself that you too want to enjoy the holidays.
Tags: Add new tag, coping with stress, holiday stress, Kristina von Rosenvinge, women and holiday stress
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication | No Comments »
