Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category
Tuesday, January 19th, 2010
The last seven days have been filled with news of the devastating earthquake in Haiti. I feel for all the people who are desperate to find food, medical care, a place to sleep, and are looking for their loved ones or grieving their loss. They are right now helpless to solve many of these concerns themselves and have to rely on the generosity of others to provide for them. Their needs are overwhelming. I would like to do more than give money and end feel helpless that there is so little I can do.
I have worked with people who have felt helpless in their relationships. These have not been relationships where there is a genuine reason to be afraid. Instead it has been a helplessness of their own making although they have not seen it as such. Instead the person who has felt helpless was deferring to the spouse when it came to making decisions. Gradually that lead to an abdication of ones own power resulting in feeling powerless.
The way to change from feeling helpless is to take action. The first action is to ask “what do I want”. That is the way to get back in touch with ones own essence. I like the following quote by Galileo: “You can not teach a man anything, you have to help him find it within himself”.
Ultimately the people in Haiti will have to go inside themselves and find the strength to rebuild their lives. When they do that they will no longer be helpless.
Tags: feeling helpless, Haiti, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, stress
Posted in Making Changes, relationships | No Comments »
Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
There is no magic answer to rekindling a relationship. There is no one thing that will quickly turn things around. Yet many couples are able to achieve a new closeness in their relationship. You may well ask ” how do they do it?”
After helping many couples rekindle their relationship I have found that there are three things that make a difference.
1. There is a willingness to put time and effort into making changes because each feels that preserving the relationship/marriage still matters.
2. Each is willing to confront how he/she contributes to the relationship struggles
3. They are open to learning new relationship and communication skills.
Relationships that work well allow each person the freedom to be him/herself. Together they decide how these individual needs can be incorporated into their relationship so it will strengthen togetherness.
We live in a quick fix culture. Rekindling a relationship is not a quick fix. Instead it is a journey of new discovery about each other. There has to be a recognition that people and their interests evolve over years and that these changes need to be dealt with. What I see is that most couple’s lives are busy and have become routine. They do not take the time out to let each other know about their inner hopes, frustrations, unhappiness and desires. When they talk about these inner matters with each other they are well on the road to rekindling their relationship.
Tags: grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, marriage
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, growth mindset, relationship skills, relationships | No Comments »
Sunday, December 20th, 2009
We are snowed-in. Twenty inches makes for a beautiful winter wonderland.
The snowfall made me aware of how important it is to be flexible. My weekend was planned with shopping, the grandkids coming to decorate the tree and spend the night, buying and mailing last minute presents and baking cookies. Everything, except for baking cookies, had to be put on hold.
Instead, I decided to go with the flow and enjoy the snow and the warmth of our house. We watched a movie, shoveled snow-an endless task- and relaxed. It made for a very pleasant day. I had to remind myself that whatever had to be done would get done just not as efficiently as I had it organized in my mind. In order not to be anxious about the undone tasks I literally have to tell myself to let it go.
I see flexibility as a conscious activity. We have a choice to make: keep fretting or decide to accept what we cannot change and make the best of it.
Tags: adapt to change, Kristina von Rosenvinge, positive thinking
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, boomers and beyond, communication, growth mindset, relationships, retirement, vibrant after fifty | No Comments »
Saturday, December 19th, 2009
Control in relationships gets complicated. There are several ways that control affects relationships. In healthy relationships it is important for each person to be in control of self. That means that each takes responsibility for his/her own feelings and thinking. This kind of control increases self-worth and enhances the well being of the relationship.
Another way that control is referred to in relationships is when someone says “he/she is controlling me.” That happens when one person insists in having things his/her way. It makes it impossible for the other person to be accepted for who he/she is. The “controlling person’s” reality takes precedence. This kind of control is destructive to relationships.
There are also substances that take control of people. Alcohol, prescription drugs, etc. can all develop control over a person’s ability to function freely which greatly impacts relationships.
The more effort people put into growing in being in control of themselves the less they are willing to put up with relationships that limit self-growth. Instead, they look for and create relationships that are based on respect, friendship, and love.
Tags: grow, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationship support
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, relationships | No Comments »
Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
When couples want to strengthen their marriage they describe their current difficulty as “we just don’t communicate”. Indeed on the surface that appears to be the number one problem; however, there is usually something else going on that makes it hard for them to communicate.
That something else has to do with where each has his/her emotional connection. If it is not with the spouse it has to be somewhere else. It can be with work, children, alcohol, drugs, affairs etc. Right now we are privy to the struggles Tiger Woods is having with his marriage. We see that his emotional connection has not been with his wife.
Recently I have coached a couple who very much desire to “save their marriage”. His emotional connection is with work and hobbies, hers is with girlfriends and parents. In order for their marriage to work they will have to make the shift to making their relationship the most important relationship.
Because they share the vision of wanting to stay together they are working hard at making their marriage their most important relationship. By making the shift to putting their emotional energy into self growth and their relationship they find that their communication problems are lessening.
Posted in Grow With Kristina, relationships | No Comments »
Saturday, December 12th, 2009
After yoga class a friend and I started speaking about the effects of change on relationships. I mentioned that whenever one person takes a new step at first the spouse usually is supportive. It is when the change starts affecting him/her that re-balancing becomes necessary.
My friend said she new exactly what I was talking about. After retiring from her full time job she decided to take a part time job that excited her. Her husband, who was retired, was very encouraging and supportive. After she started the job and was not around as much he started grumbling. He was missing her company. He had to figure out what to do with his time since she did not want to leave her new job. What was the solution? To her delight he got into gourmet cooking and it has developed into a real passion. The result being that both of their lives have become enriched.
This couple faced a brief rough spot that they handled successfully. In other situations I have seen the person who started the change give up his/her dream because the spouse could not adjust to change. The result invariably leads to an imbalance in the relationship because there is a winner and a loser. Incorporating positive change will leave both people energized by the new endeavors.
Posted in Grow With Kristina, relationships | No Comments »
Thursday, December 10th, 2009
Whenever I use the term UPGRADE YOUR RELATIONSHIP I get interesting reactions. Some people do not seem to have much of an idea as to what I am talking about. Others will say that is just what they want for themselves.
We all interact with people on a daily basis either live, on the phone, or in our on line social networks. Ask yourself which of these relationships enhance your life and which demand time and drain your energy. The ones that enhance your life are the ones that do not need to be upgraded. Or you may choose to upgrade them to make them even better.
By upgrading your relationships I mean having people in your life who positively add to your life and whom you enjoy. If you have people in your life who pull you down you may have to ask yourself if the relationships can be upgraded. You may even decide in some cases that these negative relationships are not worth keeping. The key is to upgrade so your relationships add to your life and eliminate the energy drainers who sap your vibrancy.
Tags: grow, recharge, relationship, selfgrowth, upgrade your relationships
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, relationships | 2 Comments »
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
Recently I was asked if I thought that menopause freed women up or caused trouble. What a perceptive question since the answer is that both things happen. It is not an either/or.
The most tumultuous time for women are the few years (anywhere from 2 to 10) prior to menopause where most women experience a variety of physical symptoms accompanied by various emotional fluctuations. This is not only stressful for the woman who is in peri menopause but also for everyone else in her life. Along with this comes the realization that she is now in the second half of life and the remaining time feels more finite. As result of this menopausal transition most women emerge with a clearer sense of who they are and what they want for themselves.
This greater clarity however can put a lot of strain on relationships. Especially if the other partner is content with how life has been. However, any time one person wants to make changes it affects the balance of their relationship. This is where the trouble comes in for couples. How they negotiate these different needs is crucial. Women whose partners are inflexible and can not accept these changes feel that they have one of two choices: they either let go of what they want for themselves or they end up leaving their relationships. Statistics show that more women initiate divorce when they are in their fifties than at any other time of their life.
Couples that can incorporate the “menopause freed up” woman find that their relationships are enriched. Some do it on their own while others take advantage of professional help to learn how to grow together.
Tags: grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, menopause, relationship conflict, relationships
Posted in Grow With Kristina, boomers and beyond, relationships | 1 Comment »
Monday, November 2nd, 2009
A growth mindset is good for relationships. Actually, I think, that it is essential to developing healthy relationships. When two individuals begin a relationship they have the task of learning to also be a twosome. Not an easy task considering that each person comes with unique life experiences and each is filled with expectations for the relationship.
A growth mindset makes it possible to grow together. In contrast, anyone who is operating from a fixed mindset thinks that he/she knows what is right not just for self but also for the partner. In order to have a successful relationship there has to be flexibility and a willingness to learn how to make a relationship work.
People with a growth mindset are open to change and seeing things in new ways. They have learned to let go of competition and judging and have developed a mindset that allows for learning new skills and renewed appreciation for each other. No one has to be perfect. Instead, there is a commitment to growth and a recognition that growth of the individual and the relationship takes time, effort, and mutual support.
Learning and growing is seen as a life long process. If both people have a growth mindset they will together find solutions on how to grow as individuals and how to grow together. The result is that their relationship will be enhanced.
Tags: grow, growth mindset, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-mastery
Posted in growth mindset, relationships | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
Most couples who are struggling with their relationship will say that the problem is communication. It looks like communication is the issue but the difficulty generally is more than words. Indeed they are frustrated with their communication but beneath that struggle is the dilemma of not knowing how to create a sense of WE in their relationship.
Here is what I mean. These couples have not learned that a loving caring relationship is more than two individuals. There is a third part which is caring about the well-being of the relationship.. Most of these couples handle their day to day responsibilities rather well but feel emotionally alone. I call these relationships “the married singles”. They each fear that by truly hearing and thinking of their partner they will end up losing something of themselves.
In healthy relationships that does not happen. The three parts: I, you and we are present at all times and of equal importance. This is a self-growth and relationship skill that can be learned. The key is that each person will take full responsibility for him/herself and at the same time for the well being of the relationship. It means learning to be aware not just of self but also thinking about how will what I say or do affect our relationship. By simultaneously thinking “WE and US” communication and the relationship will be strengthened.
Tags: communication, relationships, self-mastery
Posted in communication, relationship skills, relationships, self-growth | 5 Comments »
