Archive for the ‘relationship skills’ Category
Monday, February 15th, 2010
“You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them” is a quote by Michael Jordan. It is evident that he expected a lot from himself and worked hard to achieve excellence in basketball and life. I think that expectations are powerful. I see expectations as being different from goals.
When we have goals we can set steps for how to achieve them. We may attain them or not. Expectations have to do with our sense of self and reflect how we value ourselves. However directions that are truly driven by our expectations of ourselves, propel us forward toward what we envision for ourselves. I think this is the kind of expectation Michael Jordan must have had of himself.
When we are in relationships we have to balance the expectations we have of ourselves, with the expectations of our partner, and what our expectations are of the relationship. This three fold task involves a sharing of hopes and dreams with each other and a formulation of joint expectations.
Then if a couple also adds children there is the balancing of the child’s expectations of him/herself and the realistic assessment of potential that guide the parent’s expectations.
After raising three children I think that besides loving them the most important contribution we made was to expect them to use whatever talents and gifts they had while teaching them effective skills for managing life responsibly.
Tags: expectations, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-growth
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Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
Most couples that I have worked with will initially say that they do not communicate. I see their frustration with each and feel their hope that if only their partner would make some changes he/she would be fine. It doesn’t quite work that way. The solution lies in each person taking responsibility for their own thinking and feelings and learning to clearly communicate that to the other.
How we communicate has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves we are much more apt to take what the other says as belonging to them and not personalizing it. Yet if we feel down and question our self worth we end up giving a lot of power to our partner. That’s when the couple power becomes skewed with one partner having too much power with the other one abdicating his/her power. This imbalance leads to communication struggles.
The key to healthy communication is two fold: 1. Learning to bring forth ones strengths and 2. Learning empowering communication and relationship skills.
Tags: communication, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationship skills, self-mastery
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Friday, January 15th, 2010
I have been asked as to why on this site I stress both self-growth and relationship skills. Why not just focus on one or the other. In my mind they are linked.
I think that it is through self-growth that positive changes occur in marriages/relationships. The stronger one’s self-worth (the result of self-growth) the easier it becomes to see the partner as a separate unique person. This clearer sense of self makes it possible to look at conflicts objectively and jointly look for solutions. By valuing who we are we can love others.
Molly and Doug are a couple who have struggled in their marriage. They both feel emotionally vulnerable and easily become defensive and upset with the other. They tend to blame each other for their unhappiness. They have had to look for and appreciate their own strengths and uniqueness instead of waiting for the partner to make him/her OK. As they have taken responsibility to let each other know what they think and feel they have been able to proceed with finding solutions to many of their concerns. Over the next couple weeks I will be developing many of these ideas further.
Look for my new website http://www.Rekindle Your Relationship.com in another two weeks. There you will find a free 33 Tips booklet on Rekindling Your Love.
Tags: empower, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-growth
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Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
There is no magic answer to rekindling a relationship. There is no one thing that will quickly turn things around. Yet many couples are able to achieve a new closeness in their relationship. You may well ask ” how do they do it?”
After helping many couples rekindle their relationship I have found that there are three things that make a difference.
1. There is a willingness to put time and effort into making changes because each feels that preserving the relationship/marriage still matters.
2. Each is willing to confront how he/she contributes to the relationship struggles
3. They are open to learning new relationship and communication skills.
Relationships that work well allow each person the freedom to be him/herself. Together they decide how these individual needs can be incorporated into their relationship so it will strengthen togetherness.
We live in a quick fix culture. Rekindling a relationship is not a quick fix. Instead it is a journey of new discovery about each other. There has to be a recognition that people and their interests evolve over years and that these changes need to be dealt with. What I see is that most couple’s lives are busy and have become routine. They do not take the time out to let each other know about their inner hopes, frustrations, unhappiness and desires. When they talk about these inner matters with each other they are well on the road to rekindling their relationship.
Tags: grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, marriage
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Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
One of my mentors, Connie Ragen Green, has just presented a thirty day Power Blogging Challenge. That means making a blog entry daily until Jan. 7 when the challenge ends. Not an easy assignment when it falls right during the holidays.
Yet many of us accomplish the most when we have a challenge. I know that it motivates me. Consistency is something that I have struggled with. After an initial overwhelm feeling as I think about the next thirty days I shifted my attitude to seeing this as a welcome challenge.
In my work with individuals and couples I frequently give assignments. I talk about how it takes 21 days to change a habit. I have never found out how this was determined but I do know that doing something daily makes all the difference.
I am coaching a woman right now who wants to change her habit of keeping quiet when she knows she needs to speak up. She chose as her assignment the task to bring a concern up daily with her partner. She shared as to how she had learned to silence her voice as a child. This silencing happens primarily in close relationships because she uses her voice effectively professionally She realized that she was still repeating a habit form childhood that she no longer needed. Instead it was limiting her authenticity in this relationship.
Now 14 days into her assignment she told me today that speaking up is getting easier and she likes how she feels when she does it.
Over the next thirty days I would welcome questions from my readers. In addition to writing about self growth and strengthening relationships I will also share tips for dealing with holiday stress.
Tags: Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, motivation, relationships, self-mastery
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Monday, November 23rd, 2009
First I want to tell you about the Q&A show I did with Bruce L. Bair on Nov. 18, 2009. He is a superb wellness coach with a strong medical background. Since I am a relationship expert Bruce asked great questions about the impact of menopause on relationships. It turned out that we both shared an interest in how to help women successfully deal with the change of life. I talked about how to manage menopause from the emotional perspective with concrete suggestions for couples on how to successfully get through this turbulent time. You can listen to the MP3 here: kristina-mp3
Next I will share some thoughts on rekindling relationships. I have been coaching a couple who had been struggling with communication issues most of their marriage. Each was feeling misunderstood by the other and although they wished to stay together they had little hope that things could change between them.
They were masters at blaming each other for being the problem maker. As they learned to take responsibility for their own feelings, behavior, and actions they were able to start working on the communication struggles between them. The missing piece for them was that they had little understanding as to how to take each others feelings and thinking into consideration. Their individual hurt and frustration would be expressed by one as anger and the other by tears or removing self from the charged confrontation.
It is understandable that they both felt very much alone. They are learning to think as to how what they say or do individually impacts on their couple relationship. They are growing together and thinking WE in addition to I. By doing that they are becoming a working team where each cares about growing and protecting the welfare of the relationship.
Tags: grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, rekindle your relationship
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication, growth mindset, relationship skills | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
Most couples who are struggling with their relationship will say that the problem is communication. It looks like communication is the issue but the difficulty generally is more than words. Indeed they are frustrated with their communication but beneath that struggle is the dilemma of not knowing how to create a sense of WE in their relationship.
Here is what I mean. These couples have not learned that a loving caring relationship is more than two individuals. There is a third part which is caring about the well-being of the relationship.. Most of these couples handle their day to day responsibilities rather well but feel emotionally alone. I call these relationships “the married singles”. They each fear that by truly hearing and thinking of their partner they will end up losing something of themselves.
In healthy relationships that does not happen. The three parts: I, you and we are present at all times and of equal importance. This is a self-growth and relationship skill that can be learned. The key is that each person will take full responsibility for him/herself and at the same time for the well being of the relationship. It means learning to be aware not just of self but also thinking about how will what I say or do affect our relationship. By simultaneously thinking “WE and US” communication and the relationship will be strengthened.
Tags: communication, relationships, self-mastery
Posted in communication, relationship skills, relationships, self-growth | 5 Comments »
Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
When someone comes to me with relationship issues the question invariably comes up: how can our relationship get better if he/she refuses to come? The answer I give is: you will have to do the couple’s work yourself and I will teach you how to do it. This immediately elicits varied responses depending on the life situation of the person I am talking to. I go on to explain that I have no control over the outcome of his/her relationship since that is for them to figure out. I can, however, help with self-growth and as that gets stronger the confidence to bring up and work for solutions with the absent partner will increase.
I work from the premise that all people deserve the right to full expression of who they are. Relationships encourage this full expression or hinder it. I teach people to think of relationships as having a life of their own. To think in terms of there being three separate parts: I, you, and we. All three are engaged in the independence/dependence dance. The balance in the relationship works the way it does because both people do their part. By increasing self-growth skills of one person the balance in the relationship changes. The result is that either the relationship becomes enhanced or it becomes clear that it will not grow.
This fall I will be teaching a teleclass on Self-growth and Relationships. I am still looking for a catchy name. Check back here for dates and times.
Tags: emotional fitness, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-mastery, selfgrowth
Posted in relationship skills, self-growth | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
After writing 30 daily blogs I took a short break. Now I am back wanting to talk about the power of relationships on communication.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you could not be yourself? What I mean is being around someone else where you felt squelched. I can certainly recall times when this has happened to me.
The other day I talked with the daughter of a friend who had gone through a divorce several years ago and now was in a new marriage. When I commented as to how happy she looked she replied ” it is so easy now this relationship is so normal”. We all long for relationships where we feel accepted and can be ourselves. The reality is that relationships organize us. In relationships that are open there is freedom for each person to be themselves, where self esteem is nurtured and communication is direct, clear, and growth-producing. Contrast that with a closed relationship system where communication is indirect, unclear, and growth-impeding. In such relationships differences are handled by blaming, distracting, ignoring, or placating.
Yet after time even in good relationships people can establish habitual patterns that may no longer meet the needs of one individual. Much of what I teach is directed at people who want to make changes within their relationship system. By understanding the power of relationship dynamics change can be introduced that not only strengthens the emotional fitness of each individual but also enhances the relationship.
Tags: communication, emotional fitness, grow, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationships
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, relationship skills, relationships | 2 Comments »
Monday, May 11th, 2009
Today I was interviewed by Connie Ragen Green who is teaching me all about how to create a successful internet business. The focus was on my business which is teaching people how to upgrade their lives and enhance their relationships. I do this by teaching healthy self growth and relationship skills which increase happiness, the ability to deal with whatever life brings, and relationship satisfaction.
What I enjoyed was how freely Connie tied in examples from her life to illustrate the points I was making. Anyone who listens to this interview will get a good idea as to what it means to increase your emotional fitness. We talked about options one has when one is in a personal or work situation which squelches people. We got into a lengthy sequence on what to do when ones feelings are hurt. I shared specific tools that will help people get back in control and figure out what action to take.
You can listen to this interview here.
I would love to hear your comments and suggestions about our interview.
Tags: communication, emotional fitness, grow, relationship, relationships. grow your potential, self-growth
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, relationship skills, relationships, retirement, self-growth | 3 Comments »
