Archive for the ‘Making Changes’ Category
Monday, February 22nd, 2010
I lost trust in the reliability of my car. This may seem an unusual way to talk about losing trust. Last week I could not shift out of park nor could I take the key out. I had the car repaired and after a few trips the problem recurred but was worse. After more adjustments the mechanic assured me from now on I would have no more problems. His reassurance did not really help me. I was anxious every time I used the car that the problem would emerge again. Now after a week of no recurring problems I have relaxed. I now trust that the problem has been fixed.
It is so much harder when there is loss of trust in a relationship. It may take a much longer time to regain trust if trust has been shattered. The betrayer frequently feels that when he/she has apologized and made amends that the partner should be able to trust him/her again. This will depend on the nature and severity of the action that led to the loss of trust.
The partner who has lost trust needs to see behavior change over time to begin to rebuild trust. Words alone are not enough. There have to be actions that show that there is real sincerity to the apology and a commitment not to have it happen again.
Once trust in someone is lost it just takes time for it to be rebuilt. The time can not be rushed it will just happens if there is no additional behavior that raises concerns.
Tags: Kristina von Rosenvinge, loss of trust, rebuilding trust
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication | 1 Comment »
Saturday, January 30th, 2010
At least once a week I get an email promising fantastic changes in my life. All I would have to do is sign up with the sender’s program. Promises of financial success, no fail business ventures, finding the right partner, true happiness and so on, all by taking a brief course or program. Who wouldn’t want that?
However reality is that most of us have to work diligently at the changes we want to have happen in our life.
Change takes persistence, commitment and time. Maintaining good health involves regular exercise and good eating habits. Being a loving partner is a life long undertaking. It can not be achieved from a weekend program or a course regardless of what has been promised. True love comes by working on the relationship every day.
To be a parent in a fair and caring takes a daily commitment. Likewise, to be effective at work requires additional learning and trusting ones abilities. Most of all life requires us to keep growing and changing when necessary.
Making changes takes a serious commitment to be the best person one can be. And that in itself is a life long evolving journey.
Tags: grow, grow as a person, Making Changes, self-growth
Posted in Making Changes | No Comments »
Tuesday, January 19th, 2010
The last seven days have been filled with news of the devastating earthquake in Haiti. I feel for all the people who are desperate to find food, medical care, a place to sleep, and are looking for their loved ones or grieving their loss. They are right now helpless to solve many of these concerns themselves and have to rely on the generosity of others to provide for them. Their needs are overwhelming. I would like to do more than give money and end feel helpless that there is so little I can do.
I have worked with people who have felt helpless in their relationships. These have not been relationships where there is a genuine reason to be afraid. Instead it has been a helplessness of their own making although they have not seen it as such. Instead the person who has felt helpless was deferring to the spouse when it came to making decisions. Gradually that lead to an abdication of ones own power resulting in feeling powerless.
The way to change from feeling helpless is to take action. The first action is to ask “what do I want”. That is the way to get back in touch with ones own essence. I like the following quote by Galileo: “You can not teach a man anything, you have to help him find it within himself”.
Ultimately the people in Haiti will have to go inside themselves and find the strength to rebuild their lives. When they do that they will no longer be helpless.
Tags: feeling helpless, Haiti, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, stress
Posted in Making Changes, relationships | No Comments »
Friday, January 15th, 2010
I have been asked as to why on this site I stress both self-growth and relationship skills. Why not just focus on one or the other. In my mind they are linked.
I think that it is through self-growth that positive changes occur in marriages/relationships. The stronger one’s self-worth (the result of self-growth) the easier it becomes to see the partner as a separate unique person. This clearer sense of self makes it possible to look at conflicts objectively and jointly look for solutions. By valuing who we are we can love others.
Molly and Doug are a couple who have struggled in their marriage. They both feel emotionally vulnerable and easily become defensive and upset with the other. They tend to blame each other for their unhappiness. They have had to look for and appreciate their own strengths and uniqueness instead of waiting for the partner to make him/her OK. As they have taken responsibility to let each other know what they think and feel they have been able to proceed with finding solutions to many of their concerns. Over the next couple weeks I will be developing many of these ideas further.
Look for my new website http://www.Rekindle Your Relationship.com in another two weeks. There you will find a free 33 Tips booklet on Rekindling Your Love.
Tags: empower, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-growth
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, relationship skills | No Comments »
Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
There is no magic answer to rekindling a relationship. There is no one thing that will quickly turn things around. Yet many couples are able to achieve a new closeness in their relationship. You may well ask ” how do they do it?”
After helping many couples rekindle their relationship I have found that there are three things that make a difference.
1. There is a willingness to put time and effort into making changes because each feels that preserving the relationship/marriage still matters.
2. Each is willing to confront how he/she contributes to the relationship struggles
3. They are open to learning new relationship and communication skills.
Relationships that work well allow each person the freedom to be him/herself. Together they decide how these individual needs can be incorporated into their relationship so it will strengthen togetherness.
We live in a quick fix culture. Rekindling a relationship is not a quick fix. Instead it is a journey of new discovery about each other. There has to be a recognition that people and their interests evolve over years and that these changes need to be dealt with. What I see is that most couple’s lives are busy and have become routine. They do not take the time out to let each other know about their inner hopes, frustrations, unhappiness and desires. When they talk about these inner matters with each other they are well on the road to rekindling their relationship.
Tags: grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, marriage
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, growth mindset, relationship skills, relationships | No Comments »
Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
In my last blog I talked about the value of making a commitment to yourself. When we are truly committed to something we don’t feel the need to strive. I shared how I have made a commitment to exercise regularly but I did not accomplish a 30 day blog challenge. The difference was that I had impulsively agreed to the challenge without really making an internal commitment to accomplish the task. With commitment comes a sureness that makes the task something you just do.
This leads me to my next point. Goals are future focused. And that is fine. It only becomes a problem if the future becomes our reality. For instance lets assume that Molly’s goal is to lose 25 pounds. If she sees herself as being OK only after she loses the weight she is going to have a hard time sticking to the goal she has set for herself. The reason is that she is future focused. Far better is she can accept herself in the present. By liking herself just the way she is in the present she will look at her desire to lose weight differently. She will choose to work on losing weight because she wants to be healthy.
Life becomes richer if we truly live in the present and make the most of every day. If we do that the future will evolve in ways that we may not even imagine.
Tags: grow as a person, live in the present, motivation, self-mastery
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, growth mindset | No Comments »
Monday, January 4th, 2010
When I went to the gym on Saturday, January 2, it was great to see the place so full. I am sure that many of these new people had made a New Year’s resolution to get serious about exercising. Setting goals is important but the challenge is maintaining the resolution.
Several weeks ago I wrote about joining a 30 day challenge to blog daily. I joined it impulsively without really thinking it through if I could do it. Alas, I did not keep it up very long. The timing was not right for me. I did feel badly when I terminated this challenge. In contrast, I enjoyed doing a similar 30 day challenge last May and had not trouble completing it.
Yet I have managed to maintain a regular exercise schedule for a number of years now. I think the difference is that I have made a commitment to myself that I have to do it. My reason is that I want to be healthy and fit as I get older. I have changed my goal to be healthy and fit into a life habit. Now when I miss some days I am eager to get back to my routine. I do remember back that it took a while of trial and error til exercising became a regular part of my life.
This latest blogging challenge was not something I made a total commitment to. I think that unless we truly own our goals it is hard to maintain the discipline to change the goal into a habit. In terms of blogging my goal this year is to blog twice a week. Knowing my pattern, at first I will have to expect myself just to do it. I am eager to see how long it will take me to shift the expectation to blog twice a week into a regular writing habit.
Tags: adapt to change, Kristina von Rosenvinge, resolutions, selfgrowth
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, growth mindset | No Comments »
Sunday, December 20th, 2009
We are snowed-in. Twenty inches makes for a beautiful winter wonderland.
The snowfall made me aware of how important it is to be flexible. My weekend was planned with shopping, the grandkids coming to decorate the tree and spend the night, buying and mailing last minute presents and baking cookies. Everything, except for baking cookies, had to be put on hold.
Instead, I decided to go with the flow and enjoy the snow and the warmth of our house. We watched a movie, shoveled snow-an endless task- and relaxed. It made for a very pleasant day. I had to remind myself that whatever had to be done would get done just not as efficiently as I had it organized in my mind. In order not to be anxious about the undone tasks I literally have to tell myself to let it go.
I see flexibility as a conscious activity. We have a choice to make: keep fretting or decide to accept what we cannot change and make the best of it.
Tags: adapt to change, Kristina von Rosenvinge, positive thinking
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, boomers and beyond, communication, growth mindset, relationships, retirement, vibrant after fifty | No Comments »
Saturday, December 19th, 2009
Control in relationships gets complicated. There are several ways that control affects relationships. In healthy relationships it is important for each person to be in control of self. That means that each takes responsibility for his/her own feelings and thinking. This kind of control increases self-worth and enhances the well being of the relationship.
Another way that control is referred to in relationships is when someone says “he/she is controlling me.” That happens when one person insists in having things his/her way. It makes it impossible for the other person to be accepted for who he/she is. The “controlling person’s” reality takes precedence. This kind of control is destructive to relationships.
There are also substances that take control of people. Alcohol, prescription drugs, etc. can all develop control over a person’s ability to function freely which greatly impacts relationships.
The more effort people put into growing in being in control of themselves the less they are willing to put up with relationships that limit self-growth. Instead, they look for and create relationships that are based on respect, friendship, and love.
Tags: grow, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationship support
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, relationships | No Comments »
Friday, December 11th, 2009
There is no denying holidays bring additional stress. On top of already busy lives the holidays put demands on people in terms of time, money, and the expectation that this be a happy time.
If you think about it, most of the stress, in a lot of homes, falls on women. They take on the responsibility of gift buying, cleaning, shopping, thinking of gifts, establishing rituals, and making sure that everybody is happy. So here are some coping skills for all the women who see themselves as the chief organizers of the holidays.
1. Think of the holidays in terms of WE. How will we prepare for our holidays. Let others help. Assign tasks to other family members. In our family one of our sons took charge of baking cookies. It started when I said one year that I didn’t see how I had time for baking and I would buy them. The kids all objected. His approach was to have a cookie marathon and do the baking all in one day. The ritual of home baked cookies could not be broken at our house.
2. Sort out your priorities. Are you doing some things that really are not necessary. Have realistic expectations. One of the things that happens when stressed is that everything seems important. Step back and think it through. There are no doubt things you have on your list that can be eliminated or simplified.
3. Don’t forget to take daily care of yourself: 2o minutes to unwind, doing something that relaxes you like yoga, walking, a bubble bath etc. all will help you get centered and unwind from the stress. Make sure you add this to your priority list. Remind yourself that you too want to enjoy the holidays.
Tags: Add new tag, coping with stress, holiday stress, Kristina von Rosenvinge, women and holiday stress
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication | No Comments »
