Archive for the ‘growth mindset’ Category

Rekindle Your Relationship

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

There is no magic answer to rekindling a relationship. There is no one thing that will quickly turn things around.  Yet many couples are able to achieve a new closeness in their relationship.  You may well ask ” how do they do it?”

After helping many couples rekindle their relationship I have found that there are three things that make a difference.

1. There is a willingness to put time and effort into making changes because each feels that preserving the relationship/marriage still matters.

2. Each is willing to confront  how he/she contributes to the relationship struggles

3. They are open  to learning  new relationship and communication skills.

Relationships that work well allow each person the freedom to be him/herself.  Together they decide how these individual needs can be incorporated into their relationship so it will strengthen togetherness.

We live in a quick fix culture.  Rekindling a relationship is not a quick fix. Instead it is a journey of new discovery about each other.  There has to be a recognition that people and their interests evolve over years and that these changes need to be dealt with.  What I see is that most couple’s lives are busy and have become routine. They do not take the time out to let each other know about their inner hopes, frustrations, unhappiness and desires.  When they talk about these inner matters with each other they are well on the road to rekindling their relationship.

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Self-Mastery Tool: Enjoy The Present

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

In my last blog I talked about the value of making a commitment to yourself.  When we are truly committed to something  we don’t feel the need to strive.  I shared how I have made a commitment to exercise regularly but I did not accomplish a 30 day blog challenge.  The difference was that I had impulsively agreed to the challenge without really making an internal commitment to accomplish the task. With  commitment comes a sureness that makes the task  something you just do.

This leads me to my next point. Goals are future focused.  And that is fine. It only becomes a problem if the future becomes our reality.  For instance lets assume that Molly’s goal is to lose 25 pounds.  If she sees herself as being OK only after she loses the weight she is going to have a hard time sticking to the goal she has set for herself. The reason is that she is future focused.  Far better is she can accept herself in the present.  By  liking herself just the way she is in the present she will look at her desire to lose weight differently.  She will choose to work on losing weight because she wants to be healthy.

Life becomes richer if we truly live in the present and make the most of every day. If we do that the future will evolve in ways that we may not even imagine.

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New Year’s Resolutions

Monday, January 4th, 2010

When I went to the gym on Saturday, January 2, it was great to see the place so full.  I am sure that many of these new people had made a New Year’s resolution to get serious about exercising.  Setting goals is important but the challenge is maintaining the resolution.

Several weeks ago I wrote about joining a 30 day challenge to blog daily.  I joined it impulsively without really thinking it through if I could do it.  Alas, I did not keep it up very long.  The timing was not right for me. I did feel badly when I terminated this challenge.  In contrast, I enjoyed doing a similar 30 day challenge last May and had not trouble completing it.

Yet I have managed to maintain a regular exercise schedule for a number of years now.  I think the difference is that I have made a commitment to myself that I have to do it.  My reason is that I want to be healthy and fit as I get older.  I have changed my goal to be healthy and fit into a life habit. Now when I miss some days I am eager to get back to my routine.  I do remember back that it took a while of trial and error til exercising became a regular part of my life.

This latest blogging challenge was not something I made a total commitment to.  I think that unless we truly own our goals it is hard to maintain the discipline to change the goal into a habit.  In terms of blogging my goal this year is to blog twice a week. Knowing my pattern, at first I will have to expect myself just to do it. I am eager to see how long it will take me to shift the expectation to blog twice a week into a regular writing habit.

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Snowed-In

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

We are snowed-in.  Twenty  inches makes for a beautiful winter wonderland.

The snowfall made me aware of how important it is to be flexible.  My weekend was planned with shopping, the grandkids coming to decorate the tree and spend the night, buying and mailing last minute presents and baking cookies.  Everything, except for baking cookies, had to be put on hold.

Instead, I decided to go with the flow and enjoy the snow and the warmth of our house. We watched a movie, shoveled snow-an endless task- and relaxed.  It made for a very pleasant day. I had to remind myself that whatever had to be done would get done just not as efficiently as I had it organized in my mind. In order not to be anxious about the undone tasks I literally have to tell myself to let it go.

I see flexibility as a conscious activity.  We have a choice to make: keep fretting or decide to accept what we cannot change and make the best of it.

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Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, boomers and beyond, communication, growth mindset, relationships, retirement, vibrant after fifty | No Comments »

Rekindle Your Relationship

Monday, November 23rd, 2009

First I want to tell you about the Q&A show I did with Bruce L. Bair on Nov. 18, 2009.  He is a superb wellness coach with a strong medical background.  Since I am a relationship expert Bruce asked great questions about the impact of menopause on relationships.  It turned out that we both shared an interest in how to help women successfully deal with the change of life.  I talked about how to manage menopause from the emotional perspective with concrete suggestions for couples on how to successfully get through this turbulent time. You can listen to the MP3 here: kristina-mp3

Next I will share some thoughts on rekindling relationships.  I have been coaching a  couple who had been struggling with communication issues most of their marriage.  Each was feeling misunderstood by the other and although they wished to stay together they had little hope that things could change between them.

They were masters at blaming each other for being the problem maker.  As they learned to take responsibility for their own feelings, behavior, and actions  they were able to start working on the communication struggles between them.  The missing piece for them was that they had little understanding as to how to take each others feelings and thinking into consideration. Their individual hurt and frustration would be expressed by one as anger and the other by tears or removing self from the charged confrontation.

It is understandable that they both felt very much alone.  They are learning to think as to how what they say or do individually impacts on their couple  relationship.  They are growing together and thinking WE in addition to I.  By doing that they are becoming  a working team where each cares about growing and protecting  the welfare of the relationship.

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Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication, growth mindset, relationship skills | 1 Comment »

A Growth Mindset Enhances Relationships

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

A growth mindset is good for relationships.  Actually,  I think,  that it is essential to developing healthy relationships.  When two individuals begin a relationship they have the task of learning to also be  a twosome. Not an easy task considering that each person comes with unique  life experiences and each is filled  with expectations for the relationship.

A growth mindset makes it possible to grow together.  In contrast, anyone who is operating from a fixed mindset thinks that he/she knows what is right not just for self but also for the partner.  In order to have a successful relationship there has to be flexibility and a willingness to learn how to make a relationship work.

People with a growth mindset are open to change and seeing things in  new ways. They have learned to let go of competition and judging and have developed  a mindset that allows for learning  new skills and renewed appreciation for each other.  No one has to be perfect.  Instead, there is a commitment to growth and a recognition that growth of the individual and the relationship takes time, effort, and mutual support.

Learning and growing is seen as a life long process. If both people have a growth mindset they will together find solutions on how to grow as individuals and how to grow together.  The result is that their relationship will be enhanced.

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