Archive for the ‘Grow With Kristina’ Category
Saturday, March 6th, 2010
A growth mindset makes it possible to keep growing throughout life. People with a growth mindset believe that their talents, intelligence and personality can be developed at any time. They enjoy learning and discovering new dimensions to themselves. They do not shy away from challenges and look at life as a journey.
Recently I coached a man who had a fixed mindset. People with a fixed mindset believe that their talents, intelligence, and personality are determined. His wife described Paul as being set in his ways. He firmly believed that he was the way he was and that he could not change. It was a whole new concept for Paul to learn that there was another way to think.
Paul realized that if his marriage was to continue he had to make some changes. He became intrigued with the concept of a growth mindset. Once he opened himself up to the idea that he had control over his mindset he began to take some risks with himself. He went from “this is how I am” to “I will discover who I am”. Paul made the greatest changes in how he viewed himself. He was in the habit of judging himself and frequently felt like a failure. He found that by developing a growth mindset he was able to enjoy life a lot more.
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Monday, February 22nd, 2010
I lost trust in the reliability of my car. This may seem an unusual way to talk about losing trust. Last week I could not shift out of park nor could I take the key out. I had the car repaired and after a few trips the problem recurred but was worse. After more adjustments the mechanic assured me from now on I would have no more problems. His reassurance did not really help me. I was anxious every time I used the car that the problem would emerge again. Now after a week of no recurring problems I have relaxed. I now trust that the problem has been fixed.
It is so much harder when there is loss of trust in a relationship. It may take a much longer time to regain trust if trust has been shattered. The betrayer frequently feels that when he/she has apologized and made amends that the partner should be able to trust him/her again. This will depend on the nature and severity of the action that led to the loss of trust.
The partner who has lost trust needs to see behavior change over time to begin to rebuild trust. Words alone are not enough. There have to be actions that show that there is real sincerity to the apology and a commitment not to have it happen again.
Once trust in someone is lost it just takes time for it to be rebuilt. The time can not be rushed it will just happens if there is no additional behavior that raises concerns.
Tags: Kristina von Rosenvinge, loss of trust, rebuilding trust
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication | 1 Comment »
Monday, February 15th, 2010
“You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them” is a quote by Michael Jordan. It is evident that he expected a lot from himself and worked hard to achieve excellence in basketball and life. I think that expectations are powerful. I see expectations as being different from goals.
When we have goals we can set steps for how to achieve them. We may attain them or not. Expectations have to do with our sense of self and reflect how we value ourselves. However directions that are truly driven by our expectations of ourselves, propel us forward toward what we envision for ourselves. I think this is the kind of expectation Michael Jordan must have had of himself.
When we are in relationships we have to balance the expectations we have of ourselves, with the expectations of our partner, and what our expectations are of the relationship. This three fold task involves a sharing of hopes and dreams with each other and a formulation of joint expectations.
Then if a couple also adds children there is the balancing of the child’s expectations of him/herself and the realistic assessment of potential that guide the parent’s expectations.
After raising three children I think that besides loving them the most important contribution we made was to expect them to use whatever talents and gifts they had while teaching them effective skills for managing life responsibly.
Tags: expectations, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-growth
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Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
Most couples that I have worked with will initially say that they do not communicate. I see their frustration with each and feel their hope that if only their partner would make some changes he/she would be fine. It doesn’t quite work that way. The solution lies in each person taking responsibility for their own thinking and feelings and learning to clearly communicate that to the other.
How we communicate has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves we are much more apt to take what the other says as belonging to them and not personalizing it. Yet if we feel down and question our self worth we end up giving a lot of power to our partner. That’s when the couple power becomes skewed with one partner having too much power with the other one abdicating his/her power. This imbalance leads to communication struggles.
The key to healthy communication is two fold: 1. Learning to bring forth ones strengths and 2. Learning empowering communication and relationship skills.
Tags: communication, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationship skills, self-mastery
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Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
One of my favorite quotes is “Whatever you can do, or dream you can; begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it” Goethe . Recently I found out that there is a whole other sentence that comes before this quote which states: “Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth - that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too”.
The quote that I put first actually comes second. Which only makes sense. It is when we truly commit to something that we experience a boldness within us that pushes us forward like magic. I know that it has happened to me.
At those times I have felt like I am a driver who follows a road that has been created just for me. By that I mean that answers and solutions come from within me without my having to struggle to find them. As I think about it, every time I went through a lengthy struggle period before I got to the place where I was ready to truly commit to a course of action.
I imagine that everyone of us has had experiences like that when we think about our lives. My steps to keep growing and do new things over the years have taken commitment, courage and boldness. It has been when I have talked myself out of making a commitment to a course of action that I have had regrets. Those times I let fear of the unknown and laziness hold me back.
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication | 1 Comment »
Thursday, January 21st, 2010
I have been fortunate in my work life to be able to do what I enjoy. My passion is helping people empower their lives. It is a good feeling to see people grow in valuing who they are and grow in their ability to deal effectively with whatever life brings.
Although over the years my passion has taken me in varied directions the core has remained the same. I have worked with many individuals and couples who have wanted to put time, money, and effort into improving their lives. My professional training was as a clinical social worker and for many years I had a therapy practice. This evolved into a successful counseling/therapy center which I directed for 20 years.
When my clients no longer needed therapy some asked me to help them take their life to the next level. In order to help them with this next phase of growth I got training as a life coach. Whenever I have felt the need to make changes in my life it has not been easy. I go through several years of agonizing and wondering if it was time to look for a new passion because I know I need change in my life. In variably I have returned to what I love which is helping people empower their lives but how I delivery it is different.
Now my passion is to reach more people and teach them skills that will help empower them. The internet is the perfect place to do that.
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Friday, January 15th, 2010
I have been asked as to why on this site I stress both self-growth and relationship skills. Why not just focus on one or the other. In my mind they are linked.
I think that it is through self-growth that positive changes occur in marriages/relationships. The stronger one’s self-worth (the result of self-growth) the easier it becomes to see the partner as a separate unique person. This clearer sense of self makes it possible to look at conflicts objectively and jointly look for solutions. By valuing who we are we can love others.
Molly and Doug are a couple who have struggled in their marriage. They both feel emotionally vulnerable and easily become defensive and upset with the other. They tend to blame each other for their unhappiness. They have had to look for and appreciate their own strengths and uniqueness instead of waiting for the partner to make him/her OK. As they have taken responsibility to let each other know what they think and feel they have been able to proceed with finding solutions to many of their concerns. Over the next couple weeks I will be developing many of these ideas further.
Look for my new website http://www.Rekindle Your Relationship.com in another two weeks. There you will find a free 33 Tips booklet on Rekindling Your Love.
Tags: empower, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-growth
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Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
There is no magic answer to rekindling a relationship. There is no one thing that will quickly turn things around. Yet many couples are able to achieve a new closeness in their relationship. You may well ask ” how do they do it?”
After helping many couples rekindle their relationship I have found that there are three things that make a difference.
1. There is a willingness to put time and effort into making changes because each feels that preserving the relationship/marriage still matters.
2. Each is willing to confront how he/she contributes to the relationship struggles
3. They are open to learning new relationship and communication skills.
Relationships that work well allow each person the freedom to be him/herself. Together they decide how these individual needs can be incorporated into their relationship so it will strengthen togetherness.
We live in a quick fix culture. Rekindling a relationship is not a quick fix. Instead it is a journey of new discovery about each other. There has to be a recognition that people and their interests evolve over years and that these changes need to be dealt with. What I see is that most couple’s lives are busy and have become routine. They do not take the time out to let each other know about their inner hopes, frustrations, unhappiness and desires. When they talk about these inner matters with each other they are well on the road to rekindling their relationship.
Tags: grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, marriage
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, growth mindset, relationship skills, relationships | No Comments »
Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
In my last blog I talked about the value of making a commitment to yourself. When we are truly committed to something we don’t feel the need to strive. I shared how I have made a commitment to exercise regularly but I did not accomplish a 30 day blog challenge. The difference was that I had impulsively agreed to the challenge without really making an internal commitment to accomplish the task. With commitment comes a sureness that makes the task something you just do.
This leads me to my next point. Goals are future focused. And that is fine. It only becomes a problem if the future becomes our reality. For instance lets assume that Molly’s goal is to lose 25 pounds. If she sees herself as being OK only after she loses the weight she is going to have a hard time sticking to the goal she has set for herself. The reason is that she is future focused. Far better is she can accept herself in the present. By liking herself just the way she is in the present she will look at her desire to lose weight differently. She will choose to work on losing weight because she wants to be healthy.
Life becomes richer if we truly live in the present and make the most of every day. If we do that the future will evolve in ways that we may not even imagine.
Tags: grow as a person, live in the present, motivation, self-mastery
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Monday, January 4th, 2010
When I went to the gym on Saturday, January 2, it was great to see the place so full. I am sure that many of these new people had made a New Year’s resolution to get serious about exercising. Setting goals is important but the challenge is maintaining the resolution.
Several weeks ago I wrote about joining a 30 day challenge to blog daily. I joined it impulsively without really thinking it through if I could do it. Alas, I did not keep it up very long. The timing was not right for me. I did feel badly when I terminated this challenge. In contrast, I enjoyed doing a similar 30 day challenge last May and had not trouble completing it.
Yet I have managed to maintain a regular exercise schedule for a number of years now. I think the difference is that I have made a commitment to myself that I have to do it. My reason is that I want to be healthy and fit as I get older. I have changed my goal to be healthy and fit into a life habit. Now when I miss some days I am eager to get back to my routine. I do remember back that it took a while of trial and error til exercising became a regular part of my life.
This latest blogging challenge was not something I made a total commitment to. I think that unless we truly own our goals it is hard to maintain the discipline to change the goal into a habit. In terms of blogging my goal this year is to blog twice a week. Knowing my pattern, at first I will have to expect myself just to do it. I am eager to see how long it will take me to shift the expectation to blog twice a week into a regular writing habit.
Tags: adapt to change, Kristina von Rosenvinge, resolutions, selfgrowth
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