Archive for the ‘communication’ Category
Monday, February 22nd, 2010
I lost trust in the reliability of my car. This may seem an unusual way to talk about losing trust. Last week I could not shift out of park nor could I take the key out. I had the car repaired and after a few trips the problem recurred but was worse. After more adjustments the mechanic assured me from now on I would have no more problems. His reassurance did not really help me. I was anxious every time I used the car that the problem would emerge again. Now after a week of no recurring problems I have relaxed. I now trust that the problem has been fixed.
It is so much harder when there is loss of trust in a relationship. It may take a much longer time to regain trust if trust has been shattered. The betrayer frequently feels that when he/she has apologized and made amends that the partner should be able to trust him/her again. This will depend on the nature and severity of the action that led to the loss of trust.
The partner who has lost trust needs to see behavior change over time to begin to rebuild trust. Words alone are not enough. There have to be actions that show that there is real sincerity to the apology and a commitment not to have it happen again.
Once trust in someone is lost it just takes time for it to be rebuilt. The time can not be rushed it will just happens if there is no additional behavior that raises concerns.
Tags: Kristina von Rosenvinge, loss of trust, rebuilding trust
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
Most couples that I have worked with will initially say that they do not communicate. I see their frustration with each and feel their hope that if only their partner would make some changes he/she would be fine. It doesn’t quite work that way. The solution lies in each person taking responsibility for their own thinking and feelings and learning to clearly communicate that to the other.
How we communicate has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves we are much more apt to take what the other says as belonging to them and not personalizing it. Yet if we feel down and question our self worth we end up giving a lot of power to our partner. That’s when the couple power becomes skewed with one partner having too much power with the other one abdicating his/her power. This imbalance leads to communication struggles.
The key to healthy communication is two fold: 1. Learning to bring forth ones strengths and 2. Learning empowering communication and relationship skills.
Tags: communication, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationship skills, self-mastery
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Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
One of my favorite quotes is “Whatever you can do, or dream you can; begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it” Goethe . Recently I found out that there is a whole other sentence that comes before this quote which states: “Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth - that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too”.
The quote that I put first actually comes second. Which only makes sense. It is when we truly commit to something that we experience a boldness within us that pushes us forward like magic. I know that it has happened to me.
At those times I have felt like I am a driver who follows a road that has been created just for me. By that I mean that answers and solutions come from within me without my having to struggle to find them. As I think about it, every time I went through a lengthy struggle period before I got to the place where I was ready to truly commit to a course of action.
I imagine that everyone of us has had experiences like that when we think about our lives. My steps to keep growing and do new things over the years have taken commitment, courage and boldness. It has been when I have talked myself out of making a commitment to a course of action that I have had regrets. Those times I let fear of the unknown and laziness hold me back.
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
There is no magic answer to rekindling a relationship. There is no one thing that will quickly turn things around. Yet many couples are able to achieve a new closeness in their relationship. You may well ask ” how do they do it?”
After helping many couples rekindle their relationship I have found that there are three things that make a difference.
1. There is a willingness to put time and effort into making changes because each feels that preserving the relationship/marriage still matters.
2. Each is willing to confront how he/she contributes to the relationship struggles
3. They are open to learning new relationship and communication skills.
Relationships that work well allow each person the freedom to be him/herself. Together they decide how these individual needs can be incorporated into their relationship so it will strengthen togetherness.
We live in a quick fix culture. Rekindling a relationship is not a quick fix. Instead it is a journey of new discovery about each other. There has to be a recognition that people and their interests evolve over years and that these changes need to be dealt with. What I see is that most couple’s lives are busy and have become routine. They do not take the time out to let each other know about their inner hopes, frustrations, unhappiness and desires. When they talk about these inner matters with each other they are well on the road to rekindling their relationship.
Tags: grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, marriage
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, growth mindset, relationship skills, relationships | No Comments »
Sunday, December 20th, 2009
We are snowed-in. Twenty inches makes for a beautiful winter wonderland.
The snowfall made me aware of how important it is to be flexible. My weekend was planned with shopping, the grandkids coming to decorate the tree and spend the night, buying and mailing last minute presents and baking cookies. Everything, except for baking cookies, had to be put on hold.
Instead, I decided to go with the flow and enjoy the snow and the warmth of our house. We watched a movie, shoveled snow-an endless task- and relaxed. It made for a very pleasant day. I had to remind myself that whatever had to be done would get done just not as efficiently as I had it organized in my mind. In order not to be anxious about the undone tasks I literally have to tell myself to let it go.
I see flexibility as a conscious activity. We have a choice to make: keep fretting or decide to accept what we cannot change and make the best of it.
Tags: adapt to change, Kristina von Rosenvinge, positive thinking
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, boomers and beyond, communication, growth mindset, relationships, retirement, vibrant after fifty | No Comments »
Friday, December 11th, 2009
There is no denying holidays bring additional stress. On top of already busy lives the holidays put demands on people in terms of time, money, and the expectation that this be a happy time.
If you think about it, most of the stress, in a lot of homes, falls on women. They take on the responsibility of gift buying, cleaning, shopping, thinking of gifts, establishing rituals, and making sure that everybody is happy. So here are some coping skills for all the women who see themselves as the chief organizers of the holidays.
1. Think of the holidays in terms of WE. How will we prepare for our holidays. Let others help. Assign tasks to other family members. In our family one of our sons took charge of baking cookies. It started when I said one year that I didn’t see how I had time for baking and I would buy them. The kids all objected. His approach was to have a cookie marathon and do the baking all in one day. The ritual of home baked cookies could not be broken at our house.
2. Sort out your priorities. Are you doing some things that really are not necessary. Have realistic expectations. One of the things that happens when stressed is that everything seems important. Step back and think it through. There are no doubt things you have on your list that can be eliminated or simplified.
3. Don’t forget to take daily care of yourself: 2o minutes to unwind, doing something that relaxes you like yoga, walking, a bubble bath etc. all will help you get centered and unwind from the stress. Make sure you add this to your priority list. Remind yourself that you too want to enjoy the holidays.
Tags: Add new tag, coping with stress, holiday stress, Kristina von Rosenvinge, women and holiday stress
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication | No Comments »
Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
One of my mentors, Connie Ragen Green, has just presented a thirty day Power Blogging Challenge. That means making a blog entry daily until Jan. 7 when the challenge ends. Not an easy assignment when it falls right during the holidays.
Yet many of us accomplish the most when we have a challenge. I know that it motivates me. Consistency is something that I have struggled with. After an initial overwhelm feeling as I think about the next thirty days I shifted my attitude to seeing this as a welcome challenge.
In my work with individuals and couples I frequently give assignments. I talk about how it takes 21 days to change a habit. I have never found out how this was determined but I do know that doing something daily makes all the difference.
I am coaching a woman right now who wants to change her habit of keeping quiet when she knows she needs to speak up. She chose as her assignment the task to bring a concern up daily with her partner. She shared as to how she had learned to silence her voice as a child. This silencing happens primarily in close relationships because she uses her voice effectively professionally She realized that she was still repeating a habit form childhood that she no longer needed. Instead it was limiting her authenticity in this relationship.
Now 14 days into her assignment she told me today that speaking up is getting easier and she likes how she feels when she does it.
Over the next thirty days I would welcome questions from my readers. In addition to writing about self growth and strengthening relationships I will also share tips for dealing with holiday stress.
Tags: Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, motivation, relationships, self-mastery
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, relationship skills | No Comments »
Monday, November 23rd, 2009
First I want to tell you about the Q&A show I did with Bruce L. Bair on Nov. 18, 2009. He is a superb wellness coach with a strong medical background. Since I am a relationship expert Bruce asked great questions about the impact of menopause on relationships. It turned out that we both shared an interest in how to help women successfully deal with the change of life. I talked about how to manage menopause from the emotional perspective with concrete suggestions for couples on how to successfully get through this turbulent time. You can listen to the MP3 here: kristina-mp3
Next I will share some thoughts on rekindling relationships. I have been coaching a couple who had been struggling with communication issues most of their marriage. Each was feeling misunderstood by the other and although they wished to stay together they had little hope that things could change between them.
They were masters at blaming each other for being the problem maker. As they learned to take responsibility for their own feelings, behavior, and actions they were able to start working on the communication struggles between them. The missing piece for them was that they had little understanding as to how to take each others feelings and thinking into consideration. Their individual hurt and frustration would be expressed by one as anger and the other by tears or removing self from the charged confrontation.
It is understandable that they both felt very much alone. They are learning to think as to how what they say or do individually impacts on their couple relationship. They are growing together and thinking WE in addition to I. By doing that they are becoming a working team where each cares about growing and protecting the welfare of the relationship.
Tags: grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, rekindle your relationship
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication, growth mindset, relationship skills | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009
Do you have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset? I have been fascinated for a long time as to how come some people remain active and involved throughout life and others end up limiting themselves. Recently I have been reading about the groundbreaking ideas on mindset put forth by Dr. Carol Dweck a psychologist at Stanford University. This is what she found upon studying success and achievement:
1. The fixed mindset people believe that their basic qualities like intelligence and talent are fixed traits. They do not develop their intelligence and talents believing that just having them will assure success.
2. The growth mindset people believe that their basic abilities can be developed through hard work. They view intelligence and talent as being the starting point. They are willing to dedicate time and effort to developing their intelligence and talents.
I happen to believe that someone with a fixed mindset can develop a growth mindset when he/she finds a compelling reason to do so. I have been in the people-growing field all of my professional life and have seen over and over how people have been able to take leadership of their own lives. They have shifted their fixed mindset to a growth mindset. The reason for this shift was that they were not happy with how their life was going. They used this unhappiness as a launchpad to embark on the journey of growth. I have known people with a growth mindset who discovered that they could evolve their lives even more. The compelling reason for these mindset shifts has been a deep desire to feel happy, have meaningful relationships, and to make the most of ones abilities and talents.
Tags: adapt to change, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationships. grow your potential
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication, self-growth | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
A friend of mine who is an action taker has as her byline: “Saying nothing sometimes says the most.” She gets involved in causes she believes in because to say nothing to her means she does not care. As I look back on my life I can see that there have been many times when I said nothing even though I felt deeply about the issue at hand. At the same time I know that I feel better about myself when I use my voice to express what I think both in my family and in my other interactions.
I started wondering why it is that so often we do not use our voice. I have coached many people who initially limited themselves by their silence. They knew what they want and needed but were loath to express it. They worried what others would think. The fear of possibly getting ridiculed, put down, laughed at got in the way of actually expressing what really mattered to them. This mindset means that saying nothing becomes a powerful way of communicating. To others it appears that there are no concerns.
Using our voices gives us power. However, this power has to be balances with also listening to the voices of others. When we do that we are more apt to find solutions to what matters to us. Saying nothing, when we know better, is a way of shutting down a part of ourselves. Then “saying nothing sometimes says the most” becomes communication that will leave us feeling powerless.
Tags: communication, empower, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication, self-growth | 3 Comments »
