And The Walls Came Tumbling Down

An artist friend of mine is working on a series about walls going up when relationships end. I will be eager to see how she depicts that in her paintings. As we talked I said to her that so much of my work is helping people take down emotional walls that have been in their  way of  being able to form close  intimate relationships.

My expertise is  helping people grow.  As a result of our life experiences we all put up walls that ostensibly protect us from getting hurt.  These walls at one time no doubt were useful.  We keep these walls up even in situations where we no longer need them. As adults we have the opportunity to reevaluate which walls we still  need and which walls we can safely let down. If we do not do that we may well be limiting our ability to form close meaningful relationships.

Molly had struggled with relationships.  Two marriages had ended and now she was in a  relationship with a man with whom she had lived for the past five years.  There was so much that she liked about the relationship but she described the relationship as that of two great roommates.  After experiencing a health crisis a while back she found herself longing for more emotional closeness with him.

Molly feared that by showing her emotional need for more closeness she was showing vulnerability and would lose her independence. First of all she had to understand that her partner had a similar fear since he also was not asking for more closeness.  Secondly, she learned that no one could take her independence away from her because no one else had control over her.  As she trusted herself more she began asking for what she needed and was able to accept his positive responses and not take it personally when he didn’t respond the way she had hoped for.

When we work on our own self-growth the walls we no longer need come tumbling down. They need to be replaced by strong walls that allow us to be truly in charge of ourselves and enjoy close relationships.