March 6th, 2010
A growth mindset makes it possible to keep growing throughout life. People with a growth mindset believe that their talents, intelligence and personality can be developed at any time. They enjoy learning and discovering new dimensions to themselves. They do not shy away from challenges and look at life as a journey.
Recently I coached a man who had a fixed mindset. People with a fixed mindset believe that their talents, intelligence, and personality are determined. His wife described Paul as being set in his ways. He firmly believed that he was the way he was and that he could not change. It was a whole new concept for Paul to learn that there was another way to think.
Paul realized that if his marriage was to continue he had to make some changes. He became intrigued with the concept of a growth mindset. Once he opened himself up to the idea that he had control over his mindset he began to take some risks with himself. He went from “this is how I am” to “I will discover who I am”. Paul made the greatest changes in how he viewed himself. He was in the habit of judging himself and frequently felt like a failure. He found that by developing a growth mindset he was able to enjoy life a lot more.
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February 22nd, 2010
I lost trust in the reliability of my car. This may seem an unusual way to talk about losing trust. Last week I could not shift out of park nor could I take the key out. I had the car repaired and after a few trips the problem recurred but was worse. After more adjustments the mechanic assured me from now on I would have no more problems. His reassurance did not really help me. I was anxious every time I used the car that the problem would emerge again. Now after a week of no recurring problems I have relaxed. I now trust that the problem has been fixed.
It is so much harder when there is loss of trust in a relationship. It may take a much longer time to regain trust if trust has been shattered. The betrayer frequently feels that when he/she has apologized and made amends that the partner should be able to trust him/her again. This will depend on the nature and severity of the action that led to the loss of trust.
The partner who has lost trust needs to see behavior change over time to begin to rebuild trust. Words alone are not enough. There have to be actions that show that there is real sincerity to the apology and a commitment not to have it happen again.
Once trust in someone is lost it just takes time for it to be rebuilt. The time can not be rushed it will just happens if there is no additional behavior that raises concerns.
Tags: Kristina von Rosenvinge, loss of trust, rebuilding trust
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, communication | 1 Comment »
February 15th, 2010
“You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them” is a quote by Michael Jordan. It is evident that he expected a lot from himself and worked hard to achieve excellence in basketball and life. I think that expectations are powerful. I see expectations as being different from goals.
When we have goals we can set steps for how to achieve them. We may attain them or not. Expectations have to do with our sense of self and reflect how we value ourselves. However directions that are truly driven by our expectations of ourselves, propel us forward toward what we envision for ourselves. I think this is the kind of expectation Michael Jordan must have had of himself.
When we are in relationships we have to balance the expectations we have of ourselves, with the expectations of our partner, and what our expectations are of the relationship. This three fold task involves a sharing of hopes and dreams with each other and a formulation of joint expectations.
Then if a couple also adds children there is the balancing of the child’s expectations of him/herself and the realistic assessment of potential that guide the parent’s expectations.
After raising three children I think that besides loving them the most important contribution we made was to expect them to use whatever talents and gifts they had while teaching them effective skills for managing life responsibly.
Tags: expectations, grow as a person, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-growth
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February 10th, 2010
Most couples that I have worked with will initially say that they do not communicate. I see their frustration with each and feel their hope that if only their partner would make some changes he/she would be fine. It doesn’t quite work that way. The solution lies in each person taking responsibility for their own thinking and feelings and learning to clearly communicate that to the other.
How we communicate has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves we are much more apt to take what the other says as belonging to them and not personalizing it. Yet if we feel down and question our self worth we end up giving a lot of power to our partner. That’s when the couple power becomes skewed with one partner having too much power with the other one abdicating his/her power. This imbalance leads to communication struggles.
The key to healthy communication is two fold: 1. Learning to bring forth ones strengths and 2. Learning empowering communication and relationship skills.
Tags: communication, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, relationship skills, self-mastery
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February 3rd, 2010
One of my favorite quotes is “Whatever you can do, or dream you can; begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it” Goethe . Recently I found out that there is a whole other sentence that comes before this quote which states: “Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth - that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too”.
The quote that I put first actually comes second. Which only makes sense. It is when we truly commit to something that we experience a boldness within us that pushes us forward like magic. I know that it has happened to me.
At those times I have felt like I am a driver who follows a road that has been created just for me. By that I mean that answers and solutions come from within me without my having to struggle to find them. As I think about it, every time I went through a lengthy struggle period before I got to the place where I was ready to truly commit to a course of action.
I imagine that everyone of us has had experiences like that when we think about our lives. My steps to keep growing and do new things over the years have taken commitment, courage and boldness. It has been when I have talked myself out of making a commitment to a course of action that I have had regrets. Those times I let fear of the unknown and laziness hold me back.
Posted in Grow With Kristina, communication | 1 Comment »
January 30th, 2010
At least once a week I get an email promising fantastic changes in my life. All I would have to do is sign up with the sender’s program. Promises of financial success, no fail business ventures, finding the right partner, true happiness and so on, all by taking a brief course or program. Who wouldn’t want that?
However reality is that most of us have to work diligently at the changes we want to have happen in our life.
Change takes persistence, commitment and time. Maintaining good health involves regular exercise and good eating habits. Being a loving partner is a life long undertaking. It can not be achieved from a weekend program or a course regardless of what has been promised. True love comes by working on the relationship every day.
To be a parent in a fair and caring takes a daily commitment. Likewise, to be effective at work requires additional learning and trusting ones abilities. Most of all life requires us to keep growing and changing when necessary.
Making changes takes a serious commitment to be the best person one can be. And that in itself is a life long evolving journey.
Tags: grow, grow as a person, Making Changes, self-growth
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January 26th, 2010
If you think you have a problem what you really want is to find a solution. I have found over the years of working with people that in many situation a problem solving approach does not work so well. Looking for solutions achieves good results.
Here is a good example. The other day I coached Judy who had taken the huge step of leaving her secure job to go into business for herself. Now that the initial excitement had worn off and the hard work of marketing and creating a product was in front of her Judy was feeling discouraged. I explained to her that people who are embarking on making changes find that their feelings oscillate until things evolve to a new equilibrium. Instead we focused on finding solutions so she could get unstuck.
I reminded her that she knew best what the next steps needed to be. As she explored her options she came up with a clear plan on what to do next. My task was to ask questions that would lead her towards finding solutions.
Change occurs when we do something differently or look at things differently. Judy shifted her thinking to looking for solutions and as she did that she felt empowered and came up with clear steps as to what she wanted to do next.
Tags: focus on solutions, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, solution focus
Posted in focus on solutions | 1 Comment »
January 21st, 2010
I have been fortunate in my work life to be able to do what I enjoy. My passion is helping people empower their lives. It is a good feeling to see people grow in valuing who they are and grow in their ability to deal effectively with whatever life brings.
Although over the years my passion has taken me in varied directions the core has remained the same. I have worked with many individuals and couples who have wanted to put time, money, and effort into improving their lives. My professional training was as a clinical social worker and for many years I had a therapy practice. This evolved into a successful counseling/therapy center which I directed for 20 years.
When my clients no longer needed therapy some asked me to help them take their life to the next level. In order to help them with this next phase of growth I got training as a life coach. Whenever I have felt the need to make changes in my life it has not been easy. I go through several years of agonizing and wondering if it was time to look for a new passion because I know I need change in my life. In variably I have returned to what I love which is helping people empower their lives but how I delivery it is different.
Now my passion is to reach more people and teach them skills that will help empower them. The internet is the perfect place to do that.
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January 19th, 2010
The last seven days have been filled with news of the devastating earthquake in Haiti. I feel for all the people who are desperate to find food, medical care, a place to sleep, and are looking for their loved ones or grieving their loss. They are right now helpless to solve many of these concerns themselves and have to rely on the generosity of others to provide for them. Their needs are overwhelming. I would like to do more than give money and end feel helpless that there is so little I can do.
I have worked with people who have felt helpless in their relationships. These have not been relationships where there is a genuine reason to be afraid. Instead it has been a helplessness of their own making although they have not seen it as such. Instead the person who has felt helpless was deferring to the spouse when it came to making decisions. Gradually that lead to an abdication of ones own power resulting in feeling powerless.
The way to change from feeling helpless is to take action. The first action is to ask “what do I want”. That is the way to get back in touch with ones own essence. I like the following quote by Galileo: “You can not teach a man anything, you have to help him find it within himself”.
Ultimately the people in Haiti will have to go inside themselves and find the strength to rebuild their lives. When they do that they will no longer be helpless.
Tags: feeling helpless, Haiti, Kristina von Rosenvinge, Making Changes, stress
Posted in Making Changes, relationships | No Comments »
January 15th, 2010
I have been asked as to why on this site I stress both self-growth and relationship skills. Why not just focus on one or the other. In my mind they are linked.
I think that it is through self-growth that positive changes occur in marriages/relationships. The stronger one’s self-worth (the result of self-growth) the easier it becomes to see the partner as a separate unique person. This clearer sense of self makes it possible to look at conflicts objectively and jointly look for solutions. By valuing who we are we can love others.
Molly and Doug are a couple who have struggled in their marriage. They both feel emotionally vulnerable and easily become defensive and upset with the other. They tend to blame each other for their unhappiness. They have had to look for and appreciate their own strengths and uniqueness instead of waiting for the partner to make him/her OK. As they have taken responsibility to let each other know what they think and feel they have been able to proceed with finding solutions to many of their concerns. Over the next couple weeks I will be developing many of these ideas further.
Look for my new website http://www.Rekindle Your Relationship.com in another two weeks. There you will find a free 33 Tips booklet on Rekindling Your Love.
Tags: empower, grow, Kristina von Rosenvinge, self-growth
Posted in Grow With Kristina, Making Changes, relationship skills | No Comments »
